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Author Archives: D Gregory Smith
Abandonment
I watched a film biography of Thomas Merton last night while I was folding laundry. I like to watch slow, thoughtful things while I do menial tasks, and I will sometimes save up all my laundry to fold when there’s a short movie or something on TV I want to catch- something that I can listen to and fold at the same time.
I’ve always been attracted to Merton because of his earthy, practical and deep sense of life. His spirituality transcended his Trappist Monastic situation and embraced all forms of life and prayer: Hindu, Buddhist, Islam/Sufi, Native American to mention a few. Plus, he was a poet, a really excellent poet- and much of my inspiration poetically comes from him, Auden and William Stafford.
His Prayer of Abandonment has always been a favorite of mine, and after hearing a monk read it again last night, I was moved to post it here because it works on so many levels. It still speaks to me, maybe it will speak to you.
Wishing you a peace-filled weekend,
Greg
Thomas Merton’s Prayer of Abandonment
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following you
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does, in fact, please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
~Thomas Merton, Thoughts In Solitude
Of Manners, Waiters and Grace
“Saying ‘Thank You’ is more than good manners. It’s good spirituality.” ~Alfred Painter
I’ve always been one to think manners make the man, er, person. If there’s a tipping point between liking and respecting someone for me, it usually comes down to how the person treats others. I guess it’s not so much manners per se, it’s a type of respect.
Dave Barry once said, “Anyone who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.”
I agree.
Whether it’s about intentionally making someone else look inferior in order to feel superior, oblivious rudeness or just plain meanness, they’re all still behaviors that bespeak a lack of awareness, grace and respect- not character traits I’m attracted to.
I’m much more drawn to gracious persons- people who go out of their way to be kind and gentle, generous, honest, passionate and funny (and not at the expense of others). There’s so much strength there. And, I suspect, a life of grounding gratitude- and that, my friends, is Grace.
WWAMI!
It was a pretty good day yesterday.
I drove to Bozeman and had a half-hour with Ken before he went to work at 1 and I went to lunch with a friend. I then spoke to first year medical students from the WWAMI program with two wonderful Lesbians (I was the token gay male HIV+ therapist). And then we had a fantastic HIV+ support group that night, kissed Ken goodbye, and drove back to Butte, getting home just in time to walk Sars to bed. A whirlwind day with not a lot of time between events.
A good day.
It was all good, but I have to say, talking and listening to those medical students warmed my heart. They listened to us talk about our experiences of sexuality and prejudice, complaints about medical practitioners, and our own health challenges. They listened to us as we honestly shared what it was like for us (and some of our friends) to walk into a doctor’s office and be treated poorly or treated with respect and dignity. They were all attentive and respectful, and a few even contacted me later for a few extra questions. They did this with all the openness of real students, students interested in the truth, interested in people and, in the end, interested in my and my friendly lesbians’ experiences.
That made me happy.
I told them how I loved that they’re listening, that they’re genuinely interested in making a difference, that they want to HELP. And I do. Love that, I mean.
Because that’s what links us all.
My Daily Spiritual Practice
Published in sightly different form on Bilerico.com
I’ve had some interest in my own daily practice of meditation and prayer, and several requests to share. So at the risk of serious spiritual over-exposure, I offer you the following:
I try for at least four periods of meditation and reflection every day. These aren’t hard, and are mostly linked with things that I do anyway. Since I often am awakened earlier than I plan by my care-giving duties, a consistent, early meditation time is not always possible. I work around this by using my exercise time, usually right after breakfast and the morning emails and other work- normally between 10 and 11am.
I have a treadmill and exercise equipment in my home because I’m usually required to stay in the house with Sars, but sometimes, when the weather’s nice and I have a helper, I’ll go for a run on the Copperway, a walking path close to my home. Wherever I’m doing it, the first half is usually all about the music- usually a Scooby Mix (see my blogroll to check them out!), high energy and motivating. The second half is mostly about silence and mindfulness. To facilitate this, I’ve adapted the Metta Prayer, or Loving kindness Prayer from the Buddhist Tradition. I’ve memorized it, so I can use it anywhere. I say it slowly and thoughtfully, sometimes out loud, sometimes silently to myself.
May I be filled with Loving Kindness.
May I be well in Body, Mind and Heart.
May I know that I am Always Safe.
May I be Peaceful and Truly Happy.
May I be filled with Loving Kindness,
May I be Free.
I pray this first for myself. I then say it for my loved ones, then for those I’m having trouble loving, then for my country, then for all beings. When I pray for others, I usually name them in place of the “I” in the prayer, or simply picture them in my mind. It creates in me a feeling of being connected to others and a sense of purpose.
I also have 12-20 minutes of formal meditation time as a goal every day. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t. I will use my Metta Prayer, there, too, but often I am simply still and concentrate on my breathing and simply being aware and quiet.
I pray in the shower. It’s a place I can usually count on not being disturbed. I think about being purified and cleansed and the great gift of water, present as sacrament in so many traditions.
The fourth time is when I get into bed, and usually right after I call Ken to wish him goodnight. I think of at least three things I am grateful for in the day, and sometimes I think of the challenges and what they have brought me. It’s a good way to end my day, with gratitude and the knowledge that I am a blessed person. It often carries over into my dreams….
I’ve found this practice to be life-changing and centering. Let me know if you have a daily practice, or, if you feel like trying something I do, let me know how it’s going.
I really enjoy hearing from you!
Faceless Servicemembers
It’s not everyday that something I’ve supported and promoted comes to fruition. I’m pleased to announce that Jeff Sheng’s Photo Essay on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is now a book. And yes, I’m shamelessly promoting it.
Jeff has captured the pain, the shame. the difficulty and the bravery of women and men serving in our armed forces while holding the secret of their sexuality- and he’s done it with each photo he’s taken.
Every subject is in uniform, in a bedroom, face hidden and beautifully representative of the suffering endured under this policy. There are also emails and commentary from service members, detailing the day-to-day experience of these men and women.
Have a look. http://www.jeffsheng.com I think it’s important to support Jeff in his efforts to put a human face on this policy by not showing faces. Get a copy for the LGBT Community Center, get a copy for your local library, get a copy for your local ROTC recruiter. Just get a copy and help end the suffering. www.DADTbook.com
I bought two.
Via
The way seems perfectly clear,
Laid out in front of me
And marked
And easy- except for the big trucks.
Those impersonal behemoths
Scatter snow as they roar past,
Blinding and harsh.
Now, in this little moment,
It’s not so clear,
Not marked, not easy-
Only white and loud.
Can I remember the path I just saw
For the instant it takes them to pass-
And stay on the road?
I wonder, and grip tighter,
Mind going to that place where
Everyone wears black and says
Nice things about me.
The seconds pass and I remain
On course, not dead,
But slightly less alive than my fears
For a moment longer.
DGS
“I can’t stand people who make broad, sweeping statements.”
It’s been a week with a lot of challenges. I’ve felt less than 100% physically, dealt with some challenging client issues, and in the last few days have been increasingly aware of gross generalizing statements by people I thought knew better.
The first was made in reference to a new doctor: “As long as he’s not a raghead. I won’t ever go to one of them!”
SRSLY? I was stunned. All I could do was roll my eyes. My perfect response welled up immediately in my mind: “Well, as long as he’s not a fuckin Polack…” (the person I’m quoting is Polish). Sadly, (or, maybe not) it remained unsaid.
The next was overheard in the grocery checkout line: “Those Orientals are just so vicious- I don’t like them.” I once spent three months in Japan as an exchange student and found nothing but kindness and hospitality. My response: “Yeah, it was completely non-vicious to murder a quarter of a million people at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.” I said that one out loud and got the satisfaction of blushes from the “offend”ers.
Then, a post on Bilerico disparaged all Mormons as hateful, freedom hating people.
Now, my maternal grandfather was Mormon and I have Mormon relatives. They are, for the most part, kind and loving people who accept me and show me the same respect non-Mormon relatives do. I often don’t understand their faith, but I think it’s completely inappropriate to attack their beliefs. Fair game, however, is practice and policy- especially regarding funding of Prop 8 in California. Bad move, but not on the part of the everyday Mormon….
Which groups of people do I generalize about? Great question. I’m determined to pay closer attention to that, because it’s a lazy behavior I don’t want to be guilty of, at all. It’s a cheap way to artificially inflate self-esteem and position, and I don’t like it- especially when, much of the time, it’s completely untrue.
Oh, and the title? Irony intended.
My Essay on HIV and Hate
…is here.
Still
…having some illness issues. The cold is hanging on- and I had to go to the Emergency room on Saturday to have an abscess behind my ear looked at. I’ve had MRSA. Arguably, it still lives on my body, so I have to be careful. So, whenever I get a skin infection, it’s off to the doctor I go. I had gotten a haircut on Wednesday, and she nipped the back of my ear slightly. That allowed some bug to crawl in and take over the (small) space between the bell of my ear and my head. Very painful. It was so swollen, it was actually making my ear stick out noticeably- making me look more unbalanced than usual.
The first thing I noticed when I entered the emergency room was a sign that said:
No guns, knives or weapons of any kind
in the Emergency Room or Waiting Room.
Please check all such items at the desk.
Welcome to Butte.
I got the thing lanced and was sent home with a couple of enormous pills to take twice a day for a week. All’s good, but I’m still a little woozy. It’s amazing how my body is not as young as I often feel. I have to keep reminding myself (or Ken reminds me) that I’m middle-aged and disease or no disease, I just don’t heal like I used to. Anyway, I felt good enough to see people today in my office and churn out an article for Bilerico, so progress….
Peace.
