Tag Archives: Stress

8 Tips To Lower Holiday Stress

by D Gregory Smith

I wrote this a few years ago- but I think it’s still good information- so I revised a few things and thought I’d offer it again (Also published on The Bilerico Project)

Feeling stressed and/or depressed lately? You’re not alone. The Holiday Season is reported to be “problematic” for about forty-five percent of the general population, and there may be added concerns for LGBTIQ persons.

A Christmas tree inside a home.

There is often so much pressure to be joyous and to share “the most wonderful time of the year”. It can be especially hard for those of us who feel wounded by the various Ghosts of Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa Past. Family and work dynamics can be hard at the best of times, during the holiday season it can reach a torturous crescendo:

“I can’t stand so-and-so, and they’re going to be at Grandma’s for dinner.”

“I do not want to go to Midnight Mass with the family, but I’m more upset by the thought of dealing with the fallout of not going.”

“I just know that Bible-thumper at work thinks I’m going to hell. The office party is always a nightmare.”

“I’m going to have to fend off all the questions of why I’m not married.”

“If they knew the truth, I’d be fired (disowned, disgraced, etc.).”

“I don’t have enough money for gifts. Shopping is so much pressure. I feel inadequate compared to….”

“I’m bringing my partner, and this is the first time. I’m worried that they’ll say or do hurtful things.”

Yep. All familiar. But there are some things to keep in mind when dealing with the stresses of the Holiday Season….

First, remember, you’re not alone.

“Forced fun” with co-workers, family and extended circles of families and friends happens to everybody. Many people, straight, gay and otherwise feel that they aren’t part of the celebration because they don’t feel particularly festive or “in the Christmas spirit”. The pressure to have fun, be nice and ignore grudges and difficulties can result in the completely opposite effect.

Not out to family, co-workers or friends? This can dramatically increase holiday stress. Maintaining a front and keeping secrets is hard- especially at a time of year that focuses on kindness and generosity. Constantly protecting yourself can be exhausting. Constantly worrying about safety, acceptance, integrity and livelihood is excruciating- especially at a holiday party.

It can be even worse if you’ve been rejected by your family or friends because of your sexuality or gender identity.

For many of us, our day-to-day lives are lived with people who care for and support us emotionally. We’ve created our own families. We’ve created routines that encourage and nurture us. We’ve developed our own beliefs

The holidays can totally upset that.

Even the mentally healthiest among us can be challenged by relatives and parents, regardless of acceptance or support. Ram Dass once said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your parents.”

And even if we are out, during the holidays we’re often surrounded by people who may be biologically related or who share the same work, but who do not support us, or who are even openly hostile. Whether this is true or simply a suspicion or feeling, it still causes anxiety, which in turn causes increased stress levels- often leading to some very depressing thoughts. A very slippery slope mentally….

What to do? If your particular situation seems to be causing problematic stress or depression, please seek out professional help. But for those relatively-minor-once-a-year issues, below are a few suggestions I have found helpful.  Please feel free to add your own:

  • Be aware of your anxiety. Notice when your tension levels are rising, and let yourself feel them. Feelings never hurt anybody- the actions resulting from those feelings are the real kicker, and quite often those actions happen because feelings are so bottled up that the pressure forces an explosion. Often, simply noticing and naming the anxiety can calm it.
  • Breathe. Under stress, the breath is often shallow, keeping oxygen levels at a minimum which just adds more stress. As simple as it sounds, three deep, conscious breaths can bring instant relief, slowing the heart rate, reducing hypertension- and anxiety levels.
  • “Is that true?” That question has been my lifesaver in many situations. My brain can run amok with fantasies of what people will say or do in response to me- things that I can’t possibly know for certain. Anxiety levels rise in the face of uncertainty. This simple question slows my thoughts and brings me back to the facts.
  • Be here now. Most stress involves either the past or the future- both are perspective distortion agents. Staying in the here and now reduces stress.
  • Resist the urge to self-medicate. Most people eat and drink more and exercise less than they normally would at this time of year.  If you’re prone to depression already, (and even if you’re not) a hangover and love handles won’t help. Plus, alcohol, a depressant, may seem to help for a while, but usually worsens depression and stress symptoms later on. It also reduces inhibitions, making hurt feelings, disagreements and fights much more likely.
  • Give yourself an out. If you have to spend an extended amount of time with family, work some down time into the schedule. Removing yourself from the situation can be vital, and it can be done gracefully. “I just need some alone time” is something that almost anyone will respect. There are lots of reasons to be alone- get creative. A short walk, a hot shower, a nap, an AA meeting, or even extended time behind the locked door of a bathroom can do amazing things to renew self-confidence, perspective and energy.
  • Remember, this is temporary. Most of us can survive anything for a few days. If you’re in a situation that you feel you may not be able to handle well, by all means, get out! But if staying will do less damage to yourself and others than leaving, remembering the finite nature of the visit may help.
  • Take care of yourself. You know what you need to do to be healthy. Eat well, exercise, hydrate, rest, play and give yourself permission to be human.

No matter what the situation, my greatest stressor is this:

Worrying about something I have little or no control over.

Recognizing that is key.

People are going to think what they think, and my thoughts or actions will probably not change that- especially in the short amount of time I have to spend with them during the holiday season. Whether they approve of me or not is none of my business. My business is to be happy, honest, kind, and healthy.

And I can do it. I do it by knowing myself and taking care of myself- even under the pressure of Midnight Mass.

Related articles

The Holidays: Stress, Secrets and Statistics

by D Gregory Smith

“There’s always so much stress for me at this time of year – and everyone’s pushing drinks.”

This is a statement from a gay male therapy client who is also in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. He continued, “I don’t feel particularly strong right now, and it would be easy to just say ‘screw it’ and grab a drink off the tray.”  

He didn’t grab that first drink, mostly because of his strong commitment to his recovery program and the personal support he’d cultivated around staying sober. But his situation is a good reminder of something we may not pay enough attention to.

In general, the holidays are much more stressful than any other time of year. LGBT persons have their own particular set of stressors, and remembering some helpful tips can help make the holiday season easier.

But there’s one thing that we would do well to remember and be aware of:

LGBT persons are much more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs than the general population.

Stay with me here.

Maybe it’s the stress of being different that makes us want to self-medicate to feel better. Could it be a way to drive away the suspicion of judgment we fear from those closest to us? Maybe it’s the constant struggle to secure rights, respect and dignity that make it so easy to reach for something to relax. Maybe it’s the higher amount of depression we have as a community. Maybe it’s the culture of bars that seem(ed) to be our only support- and the dogged pursuit of the LGBT dollar by alcohol and tobacco companies. Maybe it’s the simple feeling of comfort and relaxation that became a driving need. Maybe it’s the stress of keeping secrets.

Maybe it’s all of the above.

Whatever the reason, the reality is this:

LGBT persons are 3-5 times more likely to abuse substances, less likely to abstain and more likely to continue heavy use later in life than the general population (NALGAP, 2002).

To be clear: this is not a consequence of sexual/personal identity, but of society’s response or reaction to it, often leaving us reaching for something to help cope with the confusion and pain. And because many of us cope in this way, often in the company of our peers – perspective is often a hard thing to come by.

And because, for many of us, carrying the dual secrets/shames of being a sexual minority and having a problem with substance abuse/addiction is so difficult and even scary, we find it hard to talk about – much less deal with.

To help facilitate some perspective and discussion, allow me to offer the following distinction between abuse and addiction:

Substance Abuse: Using a substance in an abusive manner, esp. in ways that may be (temporarily) harmful, impairing, or disabling. Not all people who abuse substances are addicts.

Substance Addiction: Compulsive use of a substance characterized by four elements:

  1. Loss of control- (non-rational compulsion) The user has no ability to deny the compulsion
  2. Continued use despite adverse consequences- the addict uses even though they know it causes problems
  3. Cravings- intense psychological preoccupation with getting and using the substance
  4. Denial- distortion of perception, unable to see the risks and consequences of use

Because a person doesn’t have to use drugs or drink alcohol every day to have a problem, it’s often difficult to recognize the signs of drug and alcohol addiction. This checklist of common alcohol and drug abuse symptoms can help you identify the signs of addiction, determine if yourself, a friend or loved one is having a problem with addiction, and if additional help is needed.

Please remember that even if a person shows any of the following signs and symptoms, it does not necessarily mean that they have a drug or alcohol addiction. The presence of some of these symptoms could relate to stress, depression or other problems that may or may not be related to substance abuse.

General signs and symptoms of addiction/consistent abuse:

  • Observable signs of deteriorating personal hygiene
  • Multiple physical symptoms and complaints
  • Accidents
  • Personality and behavioral changes
  • Many drug prescriptions for self and family
  • Frequent emotional crises
  • Behavior excused by family and friends
  • Activities involving drinking alcohol are a priority
  • Arguments/violent outbursts
  • Sexual problems
  • Extramarital affairs
  • Withdrawal from and fragmentation of family
  • Neglect of children
  • Abnormal, illegal, anti-social actions of children
  • Separation or divorce
  • Unexplained absences from home

Medical and Physical Signs:

  • Observable decline in physical health
  • Signs of weight change
  • Pupils either dilated or constricted; face flushed/bloated
  • Emergency-room treatments such as drug or alcohol overdose, unexplained injuries, symptoms of migraine headaches, auto accidents
  • Claims of having been “mugged” but without witnesses
  • Inability to focus and track in a conversation
  • Signs of shakiness, tremors of hands
  • Slurred speech
  • Unsteady gait
  • Constant runny nose
  • Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea

Observed by Friends and Community

  • Noticeable signs of becoming personally isolated
  • Embarrassing behavior
  • Driving while under the influence of alcohol or a drug
  • Legal problems
  • Neglect of social commitments
  • Unpredictable behavior such as inappropriate spending

Workplace Signs

  • Signs of workaholic behavior
  • Disorganized schedule
  • Decreased workload or workload intolerance
  • Signs of poor work performance
  • Alcohol on breath with attempts to cover with mints or mouthwash
  • Frequent unexplained absences or prolonged breaks
  • Tardiness or leaving work early
  • Withdrawal from professional committees or organizations
  • Defensive if questioned or confronted
  • Poor judgment
  • Observed occurrences of drug or alcohol intoxication, drowsiness or hypersensitivity during work hours
  • Deadlines barely met or missed altogether
  • Frequent job changes or relocation
  • Avoiding supervisor or other co-workers

The good news: There is a lot of help for LGBT people who want it. Recovery programs, addiction centers, therapists, hospitals, churches and even workplaces can be sources of help and support. Online groups are even available for those who have difficulty talking face to face about their fears and possible problems.

But remember, the best way to have perspective is to be aware.

Be aware of your own habits and behaviors around substances. Be aware of the habits of your friends and social groups. Do we need to gather with alcohol in order to have fun? Do we insist others have a drink? Do we make it difficult for them to refuse? Are we sensitive to (or even aware of) those in recovery?

Be aware that you, your friends and (chosen) family may be more susceptible to addiction than you thought.

And, maybe, with that increased awareness, we can make the holidays – and our community – a whole lot healthier.

Tips for Surviving Holiday Stress and Depression

by D Gregory Smith

(Also published on The Bilerico Project)

Feeling stressed and/or depressed lately? You’re not alone. The Holiday Season is reported to be “problematic” for about forty-five percent of the general population, and there may be added concerns for LGBTIQ persons.

There is often so much pressure to be joyous and to share “the most wonderful time of the year”. It can be especially hard for those of us who feel wounded by the various Ghosts of Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa Past. Family and work dynamics can be hard at the best of times, during the holiday season it can reach a torturous crescendo:

“I can’t stand so-and-so, and they’re going to be at Grandma’s for dinner.”

“I do not want to go to Midnight Mass with the family, but I’m more upset by the thought of dealing with the fallout of not going.”

“I just know that Bible-thumper at work thinks I’m going to hell. The office party is always a nightmare.”

“I’m going to have to fend off all the questions of why I’m not married.”

“If they knew the truth, I’d be fired (disowned, disgraced, etc.).”

“I don’t have enough money for gifts. Shopping is so much pressure. I feel inadequate compared to….”

“I’m bringing my partner, and this is the first time. I’m worried that they’ll say or do hurtful things.”

Yep. All familiar. But there are some things to keep in mind when dealing with the stresses of the Holiday Season….

Remember, you’re not alone. “Forced Fun” with co-workers, family and extended circles of families and friends happens to everybody. Many people, straight, gay and otherwise feel that they aren’t part of the celebration because they don’t feel particularly festive or “in the Christmas Spirit”. The pressure to have fun, be nice and ignore grudges and difficulties can result in the completely opposite effect. Not out to family, co-workers or friends? This can dramatically increase holiday stress. Maintaining a front and keeping secrets is hard.

Mostly, our day-to-day lives are lived with people who care for and support us emotionally. We’ve created our own families. We’ve created routines that encourage and nurture us. We’ve developed our own beliefs. The holidays can totally upset that. Even the mentally healthiest among us can be challenged by relatives and parents, regardless of acceptance or support. Ram Dass once said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your parents.”

And even if we are out, during the holidays we’re often surrounded by people who may be biologically related or who share the same work, but who do not support us, or who are even openly hostile. Whether this is true or simply a suspicion or feeling, it still causes anxiety, which causes increased stress levels which often leads to some very depressing thoughts. A very slippery slope mentally….

What to do? If your particular situation seems to be causing problematic stress or depression, please seek out professional help. But for those relatively-minor-once-a-year issues, below are a few suggestions I have found helpful.  Please feel free to add your own:

  • Be aware of your anxiety. Notice when your tension levels are rising, and let yourself feel them. Feelings never hurt anybody- the actions resulting from those feelings are the real kicker, and quite often those actions happen because feelings are so bottled up that the pressure forces an explosion. Often, simply noticing and naming the anxiety can calm it.
  • Breathe. Under stress, the breath is often shallow, keeping oxygen levels at a minimum which just adds more stress. As simple as it sounds, three deep, conscious breaths can bring instant relief, slowing the heart rate, reducing hypertension- and anxiety levels.
  • “Is that true?” That question has been my lifesaver in many situations. My brain can run amok with fantasies of what people will say or do in response to me- things that I can’t possibly know for certain. Anxiety levels rise in the face of uncertainty. This simple question slows my thoughts and brings me back to the facts.
  • Be here now. Most stress involves either the past or the future- both are perspective distortion agents. Staying in the here and now reduces stress.
  • Resist the urge to self-medicate. Most people eat and drink more and exercise less than they normally would at this time of year.  If you’re prone to depression already, (and even if you’re not) a hangover and love handles won’t help. Plus, alcohol, a depressant, may seem to help for a while, but usually worsens depression and stress symptoms later on. It also reduces inhibitions, making hurt feelings, disagreements and fights much more likely.
  • Give yourself an out. If you have to spend an extended amount of time with family, work some down time into the schedule. Removing yourself from the situation can be vital, and it can be done gracefully. “I just need some alone time” is something that almost anyone will respect. There are lots of reasons to be alone- get creative. A short walk, a hot shower, a nap, an AA meeting, or even extended time behind the locked door of a bathroom can do amazing things to renew self-confidence, perspective and energy.
  • Remember, this is temporary. Most of us can survive anything for a few days. If you’re in a situation that you feel you may not be able to handle well, by all means, get out! But if staying will do less damage to yourself and others than leaving, remembering the finite nature of the visit may help.
  • Take care of yourself. You know what you need to do to be healthy. Eat well, exercise, hydrate, rest, play and give yourself permission to be human.

No matter what the situation, my greatest stressor is worrying about something I have little or no control over. Recognizing that is key. People are going to think what they think, and my thoughts or actions will probably not change that in the short amount of time I have to spend with them during the holiday season. Whether they approve of me or not is none of my business- my business is to be happy, honest, kind, and healthy- and I can do it. I do it by knowing myself and taking care of myself- even under the pressure of Midnight Mass.