Author Archives: D Gregory Smith

Tips for Surviving Holiday Stress and Depression

by D Gregory Smith

(Also published on The Bilerico Project)

Feeling stressed and/or depressed lately? You’re not alone. The Holiday Season is reported to be “problematic” for about forty-five percent of the general population, and there may be added concerns for LGBTIQ persons.

There is often so much pressure to be joyous and to share “the most wonderful time of the year”. It can be especially hard for those of us who feel wounded by the various Ghosts of Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa Past. Family and work dynamics can be hard at the best of times, during the holiday season it can reach a torturous crescendo:

“I can’t stand so-and-so, and they’re going to be at Grandma’s for dinner.”

“I do not want to go to Midnight Mass with the family, but I’m more upset by the thought of dealing with the fallout of not going.”

“I just know that Bible-thumper at work thinks I’m going to hell. The office party is always a nightmare.”

“I’m going to have to fend off all the questions of why I’m not married.”

“If they knew the truth, I’d be fired (disowned, disgraced, etc.).”

“I don’t have enough money for gifts. Shopping is so much pressure. I feel inadequate compared to….”

“I’m bringing my partner, and this is the first time. I’m worried that they’ll say or do hurtful things.”

Yep. All familiar. But there are some things to keep in mind when dealing with the stresses of the Holiday Season….

Remember, you’re not alone. “Forced Fun” with co-workers, family and extended circles of families and friends happens to everybody. Many people, straight, gay and otherwise feel that they aren’t part of the celebration because they don’t feel particularly festive or “in the Christmas Spirit”. The pressure to have fun, be nice and ignore grudges and difficulties can result in the completely opposite effect. Not out to family, co-workers or friends? This can dramatically increase holiday stress. Maintaining a front and keeping secrets is hard.

Mostly, our day-to-day lives are lived with people who care for and support us emotionally. We’ve created our own families. We’ve created routines that encourage and nurture us. We’ve developed our own beliefs. The holidays can totally upset that. Even the mentally healthiest among us can be challenged by relatives and parents, regardless of acceptance or support. Ram Dass once said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your parents.”

And even if we are out, during the holidays we’re often surrounded by people who may be biologically related or who share the same work, but who do not support us, or who are even openly hostile. Whether this is true or simply a suspicion or feeling, it still causes anxiety, which causes increased stress levels which often leads to some very depressing thoughts. A very slippery slope mentally….

What to do? If your particular situation seems to be causing problematic stress or depression, please seek out professional help. But for those relatively-minor-once-a-year issues, below are a few suggestions I have found helpful.  Please feel free to add your own:

  • Be aware of your anxiety. Notice when your tension levels are rising, and let yourself feel them. Feelings never hurt anybody- the actions resulting from those feelings are the real kicker, and quite often those actions happen because feelings are so bottled up that the pressure forces an explosion. Often, simply noticing and naming the anxiety can calm it.
  • Breathe. Under stress, the breath is often shallow, keeping oxygen levels at a minimum which just adds more stress. As simple as it sounds, three deep, conscious breaths can bring instant relief, slowing the heart rate, reducing hypertension- and anxiety levels.
  • “Is that true?” That question has been my lifesaver in many situations. My brain can run amok with fantasies of what people will say or do in response to me- things that I can’t possibly know for certain. Anxiety levels rise in the face of uncertainty. This simple question slows my thoughts and brings me back to the facts.
  • Be here now. Most stress involves either the past or the future- both are perspective distortion agents. Staying in the here and now reduces stress.
  • Resist the urge to self-medicate. Most people eat and drink more and exercise less than they normally would at this time of year.  If you’re prone to depression already, (and even if you’re not) a hangover and love handles won’t help. Plus, alcohol, a depressant, may seem to help for a while, but usually worsens depression and stress symptoms later on. It also reduces inhibitions, making hurt feelings, disagreements and fights much more likely.
  • Give yourself an out. If you have to spend an extended amount of time with family, work some down time into the schedule. Removing yourself from the situation can be vital, and it can be done gracefully. “I just need some alone time” is something that almost anyone will respect. There are lots of reasons to be alone- get creative. A short walk, a hot shower, a nap, an AA meeting, or even extended time behind the locked door of a bathroom can do amazing things to renew self-confidence, perspective and energy.
  • Remember, this is temporary. Most of us can survive anything for a few days. If you’re in a situation that you feel you may not be able to handle well, by all means, get out! But if staying will do less damage to yourself and others than leaving, remembering the finite nature of the visit may help.
  • Take care of yourself. You know what you need to do to be healthy. Eat well, exercise, hydrate, rest, play and give yourself permission to be human.

No matter what the situation, my greatest stressor is worrying about something I have little or no control over. Recognizing that is key. People are going to think what they think, and my thoughts or actions will probably not change that in the short amount of time I have to spend with them during the holiday season. Whether they approve of me or not is none of my business- my business is to be happy, honest, kind, and healthy- and I can do it. I do it by knowing myself and taking care of myself- even under the pressure of Midnight Mass.

Wait

by D Gregory Smith

In this moment I give up anger.

I may take it up again- maybe soon,

but not now.

The noise distracts

and my heart is too weak

to hold us both right now.

Maybe when there’s quiet,

maybe then.

When anger can be held

in trembling, strong hands.

Seen with kindness,

heard as data,

powerful- but not a danger.

Maybe then,

but not now.

~DGS

Trouble

by D Gregory Smith

I’ve been having some computer trouble lately, so sorry about the dearth of posts. I think it’s fixed (knock wood) so, hopefully, you’ll hear more soon.
Thanks,
Greg

You Reading This, Be Ready

by D Gregory Smith

A gentle reminder:

You Reading This, Be Ready

Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life –

What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?

~ William Stafford ~
Copyright 1970, 1998 by the Estate of William Stafford.
From “The Way it Is: New and Selected Poems by William Stafford”,
Grey Wolf Press, Saint Paul, Minnesota.

Christmas- The Climax Rather Than The Beginning

by D Gregory Smith

Somewhat near the beginning of Christian tradition, a date was set for the celebration of the birth of Jesus, a time in the Northern Hemisphere when the light begins to grow stronger and darkness grows less. It was a beginning, not the end.

Today Christmas is more like the climax of a novel- or a romance. Enormous buildup to the day, and then after, …well, not much.

It wasn’t always like that. Advent was intended to be a time of prayer and reflection, and Christmas was just the first of the Twelve Days of the Christmas Season which ended with the Epiphany on January 6th. It’s still formally like that in the mainline Christian churches, but consumerism and short attention spans make that an exception to the practice.

It’s a little weird, but it makes me wonder if human beings are better at working toward a climax than starting a movement. But maybe we don’t have to be.

I wonder if that’s what Jesus was trying to tell us.

An Excellent Reason Not To Have Enemies

by D Gregory Smith

A friend (thanks Roxanne!) reminded me of this excellent quote by Susan Griffin:

“I can be angry.
I can hate.
I can rage.
But the moment I have defined another being as my enemy,
I lose part of myself: the complexity and subtlety of my vision.

I begin to exist in a closed system.
When anything goes wrong, I blame my enemy.
If I wake troubled, my enemy has led me to this feeling.
If I cannot sleep, it is because of my enemy.

Slowly all the power in my life begins to be located outside,
and my whole being is defined in relation to this outside force,
which becomes daily more monstrous, more evil,
more laden with all the qualities in myself
I no longer wish to own.

The quality of my thought then is diminished.
My imagination grows small.
My self seems meagre.
For my enemy has stolen all of these.”

(from “The Way of All Ideology”, by Susan Griffin, in: Feminist Theory: A Critique of Ideology, 1982, ed. by N.O. Keohane, M.Rosaldo and B.Gelpi, pp. 273-292)

Gray

by D Gregory Smith

White and blue and gray
is my part of the planet
moving towards solstice.
Sometimes
the white is so bright it hurts
and the blue so cold it burns.
The gray is just gray
especially on the day
that the weather turns
and seems to look backwards.
Am I the only one to notice
and quickly retreat,
not wishing to depress myself
for weeks at a time-
the time the gray
can last on my part of the planet?
Or do we all notice and differ
in degrees of hurt and burn and gray?
It must be that way
or all would suffer
the same sentence-
never leaving the house or,
in the end,
rougher,
never seeing or feeling the
competence of the neighbor,
the husband, the friend
through the gray of the day
on our part of the planet.

~DGS

Dad Update

by D Gregory Smith

Sorry.
It was pointed out that I didn’t give a Dad Update here. My apologies.
The good news is that he doesn’t require surgery.
The bad news is that of the three arteries to his heart, only two are open.
The other good news is that it looks like it has been that way for decades, and the other two arteries are now larger and have compensated by growing tendrils to carry blood to the places serviced by the now clogged artery. Amazing, huh?
Dad’s just going to have to watch his salt and cholesterol, avoiding hypertension and high blood pressure. This he can do with medication, diet and exercise.
Thanks for your concern- it amazes me.
G

A Time for Heroes

by D Gregory Smith

My 2009 World AIDS Day Speech- old ideas in a new format, but it still works.
–
People gather on World AIDS Day to be reminded.
We’re all here for a reason. That reason is most likely a person, a person we love- maybe more than one.
Let’s take a moment now and remember those reasons.

~“We Remember all who have died with HIV, especially those we have known and loved and cared for.
~We call to mind all who live with HIV/AIDS today, especially those we know and love.
~We open our hearts to those infected and yet untested, undiagnosed – too scared and ashamed to take that step.
~We remind ourselves that there are people who continue to put themselves at risk out of ignorance, fear or shame.
~For all the families and friends, partners and spouses, parents and children who grieve and who worry- and for all those who work to help, we remember.
~And for us, gathered here this night- That we may never forget.”

This is a time for heroes.
The world seems to be unstable, politics are brutal, the economy is a mess and we are a nation at war- on so many fronts. It is a difficult time, but heroes aren’t required in easy times.
But let’s forget about the economy, the wars, politics and even healthcare for a minute.

People are still dying of HIV/AIDS in the State of Montana- I lost a friend just this year.
People are still being infected here. Families are being traumatized; lives are being changed forever because of this disease. Today. Right here.
It’s not pleasant to think about, but it’s true.
That’s where you come in.
After all, this is a time for heroes.
Right here, right now, we need you.

HIV will be slowed and maybe even stopped when the shame is stopped, when the stigma ends, when people see beyond prejudices and fears and realize that this is about the life of other human beings inextricably bound up with their own.

When a kid in Townsend or Belgrade or Dillon or Busby won’t fear being tested, won’t fear the reaction of his family, her friends, his church or their country if the test is positive.

When everyone at risk won’t fear being tested only because they’ve tried to love
in ways some find objectionable or even repugnant.
~Finding love repugnant- now there’s a problem.

When people aren’t afraid to disclose their status because of fear of recrimination or losing their jobs or being ostracized.

When information is allowed to be given freely in order to prevent HIV and educate others about risk and transmission.
When the human heart becomes big enough for all people, even those we do not yet understand.

When, when, when…

We’re not there yet, that’s why this is a time for heroes.
A time to end shame and stigma and fear and ignorance.
A hero will stand immovably reasonable in the face of ignorance.
A hero will speak out when she hears indifference.
A hero will step in when others are paralyzed or indifferent.

This we do, every day.
That’s why you’re here- you’re already heroes.
But I think we can do better.
We can do better by not forgetting when we walk out that door.
We might take that Red Ribbon off when we go home,
but let’s not forget what it stands for.
Let’s not forget who it stands for.

Confront ignorance with firm facts and gentle honesty.
Confront harsh judgment with steadfast compassion and strength.
Confront hatred with caring and love.
Don’t give in to fear.

That’s not why we’re here.
We’re not here to give in.
We’re here to stand up.
We’re here to remind ourselves why we are needed.

We’re here to be heroic.

So, do me a favor. Don’t let the ignorance in.
When you hear it, or see it, tell people you know someone who’s HIV-positive, because now you know me, so you do.
Take the fullness of this night into your heart and keep it with you.
Use it to safeguard the dignity of another human being, a human being that may be your co-worker, a family member, a grocery store clerk, a waiter, a mechanic, a teacher, a friend.

Be a hero.

World AIDS Day: Remember When It Used To Be Important?

by D Gregory Smith

I do.

I remember December 1st as a day when people gathered in terror and grief with candles and tears listening to words that couldn’t begin to touch the pain and anger and sadness.

I remember when it was a time for all kinds of people to gather together, people that probably wouldn’t be in the same room for any other reason. At World AIDS Day services in the early Nineties, I remember seeing queer activists, quietly closeted gay men and women, Episcopal and Catholic priests, Native American leaders, Protestant ministers, atheists, nuns and agnostics. I saw elected officials, Republicans and Democrats, wheelchair-bound elderly, parents, children, nurses, doctors, cowboys, lawyers, accountants, little old ladies and, once, a rodeo clown. All coming together, all looking for comfort and hope and compassion among others who could maybe understand.

We don’t really do that now. And maybe it’s okay that we don’t.
Maybe it’s good that the terror I remember so vividly on the faces of close friends and complete strangers is no longer there. Maybe it’s good that people aren’t dying so fast and so painfully, isolated and afraid. Maybe it’s good that we’re not so traumatized by fear and grief and anger.

Maybe.

Is terror a good thing? Is a painful death beneficial? Is emotional trauma something to be longed for?

No. But I have to say, those scenes of suffering and bravery certainly helped capture the zeitgeist of the Eighties and Nineties. It helped keep AIDS in our collective consciousness. Drama and fear and compassion fueled activism and grassroots movements and the formation of community-based organizations. AIDS was overwhelmingly real. It was dramatic. It went to the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys and the Tonys. And it won. More than once.

So I’m not sure if it’s a good thing that HIV isn’t such a drama queen anymore. Not to say that I want people to suffer needlessly. I don’t. I just happen to think we’re not paying attention because it’s no longer hip, sexy, avant-garde and noble to do so. I think that our short attention spans need to be constantly reminded. And, there’s really not a lot of spectacular theatrics to grab our attention today. Well, not compared to the past.

But, trust me, it’s still there. There are some rather dramatic facts to consider:

  • People are still being infected. In the U.S. there are over fifty thousand new diagnoses a year. The CDC estimates that one in five persons with HIV doesn’t know it. That means they may not be protecting their sexual partners out of ignorance. That means more HIV.
  • Gay men, and/or Men who have Sex with Men (MSM) account for more than half of all new infections each year, and MSM is the only risk group in the country whose infections are increasing. MSM account for nearly half of all persons living with HIV in the United States today. Nearly half. And those are just the ones we know about. That means that for all the talk we hear about “AIDS is not a gay disease,” it is. That means sexually active MSM are having sex with HIV+ partners statistically more often than any other members of the general population- and being infected. HIV significantly and dramatically lives in the bodies of gay men.
  • HIV strains the budget of every state in the Union. So much so, that states have cut or are considering cuts in funding to drug assistance programs and other HIV support and prevention services. These services keep people alive at a cost of hundreds of millions of dollars a year. More money is needed with every new infection. That money comes out of your taxes.
  • People are still dying. Yes, the drugs help, and people with HIV are living longer lives, but the drugs don’t always work, and HIV mutates. Our immune systems are under a great deal of strain and one serious opportunistic infection can kill. I lost a friend just this year.
  • It’s not over. Families are still being traumatized and our community is being hurt by this epidemic. Here in Montana, with its relatively miniscule gay population, three new members joined my HIV+ support group last month, all gay men in their twenties- kids, really. All facing a lifetime radically different than they had hoped for.

And those are just some of the many points to consider.

Is it good that people are no longer dying and suffering in such huge numbers? Yes.
Is it good that we no longer gather in great numbers, sharing strong emotions, standing hopefully resolute in the face of pain and suffering and memory? I don’t think so.

Personally, I need to remember these facts and these people, because they’re part of my history, my community, my country and my world. I need to be reminded that my compassion, my voice and my heart are all still relevant. I need to be reminded that I’m not alone, I need to remind others of the same thing. And I think doing it once a year is the least I can do.

That’s why I’ll be going to a World AIDS Day service this year. That’s why I’ll be wearing a red ribbon, holding a candle in the dark, listening to words of grief, bravery and encouragement. To remember, to remind, to regroup.

Because I still think it’s important.

(also published on Bilerico)