Jesus’ General

My new satirical pleasure is this hysterical site: Jesus’ General.

Jesus' General

Excerpt:

Dear Prophet Begley,

Congratulations. Time Magazine deems your prophecies to be newsworthy enough to report them. They wrote a whole article, “Does the Death of 200 Cows in Wisconsin Confirm Biblical Prophecy?,” about your latest one.

I also receive revelations from the Lord. Indeed, at this very moment, He is commanding me to surrender control of my fingers, so He can add a new chapter to the Book of Revelation.

OK God, my fingers are yours.

Book of Revelation Chapter 23

23:1 The Lord, God of Abraham, spake to His Son, “Go now back unto Earth, even unto Wisconsin, and proclaim thine return.”

23:2 “No, Father,” replieth Jesus, speaking to Himself that is not Himself, “I canst journey unto Wisconsin, for it is rife with the cattle of the land.”

23:3 Thou canst disobey me, for I am Alpha and Omega, the Flooder of Worlds, the Smiter of Nations, the Creator of Sarah,” sayeth the Lord.

23:4 “But Father,” sayeth Jesus unto Himself, “the Cattle doth vex me with all manner of temptations. They turneth away as I approacheth and showeth unto me their secret parts which are swollen greatly with lustful beckonings.”

23:7 “And the teats of their udders compel me to suckle them as if they were a legion of flaccid centurions on shore leave.”

23:8 Jesus wept.

23:9 “Jesus Christ!” shouteth the Lord, “Thou shalt maneth up.”

23:10 “Good God!” answereth Jesus, “The last time thou tellest me to maneth up, thou deliverethed me into the hands of Romans. They whoopethed mine secret parts greatly and putteth a cap in mine ass.”

23:11 Thus sayeth the Lord, “Verily, what thou sayest is true. I shalt make thine journey easier by smiting ten score of the wicked cows of Wisconsin before thou descendeth.”

23:12 And the Lord God of Abraham smote ten score of the wicked cows of Wisconsin.

23:13 Jesus was well pleased.

Well that’s it. God returned control of my fingers to me. As you can see, my revelation confirms yours. God smote those lecherous cows.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Go forth and have fun!

Straight, Christian Woman Dancing At A Gay Bar

Jan16 by D Gregory Smith

My friend Kathy does it again, putting some excellent, simple perspective on the basic and honest living of life.

Keep dancin’….

It’s never just HIV

Jan3 by D Gregory Smith

For people with HIV, medical care is about knowledge, self-advocacy and creating a meaningful relationship with your medical provider. We have to know our risks, talk to our doctors and do some work. People who are not practicing safe sex also need to know it’s not just about HIV- there are increased risks of disease across the board if a person has HIV.

An excellent reminder from Sean Strub’s blog at POZ.com.

When you get HIV, it’s never just HIV. You’re at a higher risk for dozens of diseases even if you take medications, diseases like osteoporosis, dementia, and anal cancer.

There are a lot of issues to be aware of if you or someone you love is HIV+. Do yourself and/or your HIV+ friends a favor and go to Sean’s blog and read the pos t.

Now.

The Storm Brewing In Uganda

Dec28 by D Gregory Smith

Excellent assessment of the gay panic in Uganda promulgated by Christianists. The obsessive passion which the U.S. right-wingnuts are fomenting here is inexcusable and distinctly anti-Christlike.

Kathy Baldock takes it apart here. Please read it.

Equality Is A Jesus Value

Dec23 by D Gregory Smith

Kathy Baldock does it again, explaining the Christian case for LGBT equality.

Check it out at Canyonwalker Connections.

This Socialism Thing Has Got To Go

Nov16 by D Gregory Smith

This originally appeared on Facebook and was written by my friend and Carroll College classmate, Joey Laythe in answer to the question “If America is going Socialist and Socialism is bad–then what is the solution?” Brilliant.

My Cure To End Socialism by Joseph Laythe, Ph.D

If we truly want to go to a “free-market” economy and do away with government interference, we will have to do the following:

End FDIC and pray our banks don’t collapse as they did by the thousands during the Great Depression. In 1932 alone, over 2000 banks closed their doors and, in doing so, closed off access to their depositors $1.7 bill in assets. Bankers will do what’s in the interest of the consumer? Maybe we should be smart and keep our money in our mattresses.
End FDA and pray that our local butcher can handle the new traffic. Please re-read Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle for more about the horrors of the meat packing industry. Food manufacturers should be focusing on profit not on government regulations. Maybe some of us like fingers and rat tails and feces in our meat.
End the EPA and re-start the polluting of the environment with industrial waste, by-products and toxins. Corporations should be free to do with their goods as they damn well please.
End the era of a mandatory Minimum Wage. If a worker wants better pay, let them find another job. We need to compete with Malaysia.
End U.S. Postal Service. Let UPS and Fed Ex do the work, we can afford that. Who cares about security and privacy—we want it privatized. I resent the fact that a uniformed representative of the federal government comes to my door anyway— now that’s intrusiveness.
Let the Federal Interstate system go private. Only wealthy tourists and corporations are using it anyway. Make it one giant corporate toll-road system.
End Anti-Trust Laws. If corporations want to use their leverage against the American consumer, so be it. We can always boycott items. And what’s so wrong with a monopoly—isn’t that the point of capitalism—make more money than the other guy and drive him out of competition?
End safety regulations. If I want to drive without my seat belt and I have an accident and my body flies around in the car and kills other people safely strapped inside, maybe they should have thought twice before getting in the car with me. Oh, and car seats for kids—overrated.
End universal health care. Who gives a rat’s ass about the schmuck in East St. Louis who can’t afford preventive health care even though he’s worked hard his entire life. Maybe if he had been born into a middle class family, he’d be better off. Get born under better circumstances, dude. Let the hospitals and health care companies take care of our pocket books like they are supposed to.
End federal college loans. After all, the only folks worthy of a college education are those whose parents make enough money to send them off on their own. Federal loans simply enable smart kids to get smarter—and we need to stop enabling people.

…and this FEMA thing has to go…let the folks move to higher ground.

And for even more irony, read this.

A Halloween Story

Nov4 by D Gregory Smith

One of the most fantastic and touching things I’ve read in a long time.

Just read it. Trust me.

Voting For HIV

Oct26 by D Gregory Smith

I am a member of NAPWA, the National Association of People With AIDS/HIV. As a member, I receive their monthly email newsletter, which has a lot of information regarding HIV, tips for self-care, advocacy and political activism. Frank Oldham, the President and CEO had a column this month that really put some things in perspective for me.

It’s been a pretty interesting election year. NAPWA, as a 501(c)(3) charitable corporation, is not permitted to support or oppose individual candidates or political parties, so we can’t name names – but we can share our general observation that some of this year’s candidates would be pretty grand entertainment if there weren’t a real chance they might get elected.

It’s also been one of the nastiest campaign seasons in recent memory, and a lot of us just want it to end and go away. Here are some reasons to get to the polls and vote anyway.

· Defend the Health Care Reform Act.

Imagine a world where insurance companies can’t ask about preexisting conditions and use our answers to deny us coverage or cover us differently! We’ll have to wait until 2014 for full implementation of that, but it’s in the new law, and candidates who will defend the law against attempts to repeal it outright or amend it out of existence deserve our support. So do incumbent candidates who knew they were risking their seats but voted for the bill anyway; they took a big risk for us.

· The next Congress will – or won’t – fund implementation of the National HIV/AIDS Strategy.

The Obama Administration’s National HIV/AIDS Strategy (NHAS) seeks to reduce the number of new HIV infections, increase access to care and optimize health outcomes, and reduce HIV-related health disparities. All of which is very good news for people living with HIV. It doesn’t mean much, though, if Congressional funding priorities are being set by folks who think anyone who doesn’t look like them is not the “real America.” Simply by being HIV-positive, we don’t look like them. We don’t want a Congress full of elected representatives chanting, “We shouldn’t be spending money on NHAS, ‘they’ wouldn’t have HIV if ‘they’ hadn’t been doing bad things.”

· The next Congress will set the agenda for young people’s HIV-awareness and prevention education.

We’ve seen the lack of results from abstinence-only curricula. Even the current Congress is gradually moving from ideology-driven abstinence-only approaches to evidence-based, frank sex education, and it is saving the lives of our young people. We don’t want to go back.

· There are critical HIV funding needs right now.

State AIDS Drugs Assistance Programs (ADAPs) are in crisis because of the recession which started in 2008. Programs for HIV-positive people with multiple medical or life issues – homelessness, addiction, mental illness – are also finding funds harder and harder to come by. Find out where your candidates stand on HIV services, and vote for those who support funding for them.

The votes of people living with HIV/AIDS are needed now more than ever before! As the leader of NAPWA and an African-American gay man living with AIDS, I know that so much progress and the fruits of hard-fought battles for our health care, protecting Ryan White Care Act services, and our rights as American citizens are at risk right now!

So let’s be sure to know our candidates and choose well. Next issue (November 5), we’ll look at the election results. Win or lose, we’ll all feel better if we did our research and voted our values.

Off To The Rodeo…

Aug22 by D Gregory Smith

From my dear friend and collaborator Gregory Hinton, a letter about LGBT history and Gay Rodeo:

Dear Friends of Out West:

In my digging though gay western history at the One LGBT Archives at USC, I discovered several gay rodeo photographs by Los Angeles photographer Blake Little in a 1990 glossy gay mag. I was moved by them because reflected back to me were several handsome bull riders and chute doggers I had known who passed away in the next few years. Blake photographed me for POZ Magazine in 1996 after IMP.

I contacted him several months ago. In addition to being beautiful, Blake’s rodeos photos are historical documents. He is also an excellent rodeo photographer.

After my call, he pulled together this collection which he’d put away all these years. We went through many of them together.

He has hundreds of photos and a great personal rodeo narrative. He was 1990 IGRA Bull Riding Champion of the year. I’m working on getting him an exhibit and a book!

Gay Rodeo is wonderful option for rural gay men and women to stay in touch with their country roots. These photographs say it all. This is why I am devoted to the mission of Out West, which seeks to illuminate the positive contributions of the LGBT community to the history and culture of the American West.

On behalf of Out West, I am indebted to Blake for sharing this wonderful body of work. Please visit his website. If you have personal memories of Gay Rodeo, Blake has provided an opportunity to blog.

http://www.blakelittle.com/gayrodeo

Best,
Gregory Hinton

Creator and Producer of Out West: LGBT Stories of the American West