Jesus’ General

My new satirical pleasure is this hysterical site: Jesus’ General.

Jesus' General


Dear Prophet Begley,

Congratulations. Time Magazine deems your prophecies to be newsworthy enough to report them. They wrote a whole article, “Does the Death of 200 Cows in Wisconsin Confirm Biblical Prophecy?,” about your latest one.

I also receive revelations from the Lord. Indeed, at this very moment, He is commanding me to surrender control of my fingers, so He can add a new chapter to the Book of Revelation.

OK God, my fingers are yours.

Book of Revelation Chapter 23

23:1 The Lord, God of Abraham, spake to His Son, “Go now back unto Earth, even unto Wisconsin, and proclaim thine return.”

23:2 “No, Father,” replieth Jesus, speaking to Himself that is not Himself, “I canst journey unto Wisconsin, for it is rife with the cattle of the land.”

23:3 Thou canst disobey me, for I am Alpha and Omega, the Flooder of Worlds, the Smiter of Nations, the Creator of Sarah,” sayeth the Lord.

23:4 “But Father,” sayeth Jesus unto Himself, “the Cattle doth vex me with all manner of temptations. They turneth away as I approacheth and showeth unto me their secret parts which are swollen greatly with lustful beckonings.”

23:7 “And the teats of their udders compel me to suckle them as if they were a legion of flaccid centurions on shore leave.”

23:8 Jesus wept.

23:9 “Jesus Christ!” shouteth the Lord, “Thou shalt maneth up.”

23:10 “Good God!” answereth Jesus, “The last time thou tellest me to maneth up, thou deliverethed me into the hands of Romans. They whoopethed mine secret parts greatly and putteth a cap in mine ass.”

23:11 Thus sayeth the Lord, “Verily, what thou sayest is true. I shalt make thine journey easier by smiting ten score of the wicked cows of Wisconsin before thou descendeth.”

23:12 And the Lord God of Abraham smote ten score of the wicked cows of Wisconsin.

23:13 Jesus was well pleased.

Well that’s it. God returned control of my fingers to me. As you can see, my revelation confirms yours. God smote those lecherous cows.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Go forth and have fun!

One comment on “Jesus’ General

  1. Rob Kailey says:

    The General has been a daily read of mine for years. I’m not convinced that anyone does satire better.


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