I hope to see you there!
Click below for link to tickets….
Harmony California (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
From my sermon at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Billings yesterday:
I love the word “harmony”.
Besides being just a musical term, it also describes being in balance.
Sometimes it takes some time to find that balance- I’d like to tell you a little bit about the time it’s taken me….
I was born in Butte and raised in Twin Bridges. My Dad was a rancher, my mom stayed home with me and my brother and sister. From an early age, I knew I was different. I really couldn’t have put my finger on it when I was young, but I seemed to be more sensitive than other boys my age, more compassionate about things that could hurt.
In fact, I actively avoided rough games and play. I liked to read- and I read constantly- often about far away places, places that I might be able to go to when I was older- where people might understand me.
It’s hard to find harmony when your insides are saying one thing- and the world is telling you its opposite. But I did find it sometimes.
When I was alone- in my room or in the woods.
When I was reading a great book.
When I was in the quiet of my church.
In fact, church was probably my salvation. I grew up Catholic, and I loved all of the rituals and music of our little church. I loved that the priest took an interest in me, didn’t think I was weird, encouraged me in reading and study and conversation. I felt the harmony.
But then, around twelve or thirteen, something happened.
I realized that the difference I felt wasn’t just about the way I saw and felt the world, it was about how I felt and saw other people.
I learned that other boys my age wanted to chse girls and that other girls my age wanted to chase boys- not that they’d know what to do when they caught them- but that wasn’t what I wanted.
It was confusing. I had crushes on older boys. Felt myself looking at my classmates in the shower during gym. And it terrified me, because I knew it was bad. I knew that I was one of those people that were really monsters, freaks. Teachers said so- kids said so- the church said so. “Queer” was evil. We played smear the queer at recess. It never went well for the “Queer”. The word “Fag” was a term of derision worse than “Nazi”, or “Communist”.
And that’s what I knew I was.
A Queer. A Faggot. And it was bad.
That’s when I lost the harmony.
It was important for my survival 35 years ago- as it sadly still is for kids today- that I not be detected. That I not be singled out. I had to hide.
So I did. I no longer trusted the goodness of my nature. My desires were to be obliterated out of necessity. It wasn’t safe.
I pretty much hid my sexuality in high school and college- with brief moments of harmony when I found others like me, but mostly, I was just working hard to keep myself from being fully seen. And that culminated in my becoming a priest.
And not just any priest. I went to seminary in Rome. I knew people in the Vatican. I found other gay men who were following the same path I was and we supported each other.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that of all the people in seminary with me, the ones that later got into some kind of trouble were the ones who were in denial about their sexuality- the ones without any support.
Harmony actually found me again for a while.
I loved the work, I loved the people. But it got tiring.
I got tired of not being seen for the real me. I got depressed because the official church position on my particular sexuality was that we were all “fundamentally disordered”. It’s hard to believe in an institution that discards as irrelevant your particular, strong and direct experience. It’s hard to maintain day after day the lie.
I tried everything.
I worked harder. I got a dog. I bought a truck. Nothing helped. Finally, I got counseling.
What took me so long?
Denial can be a very high and thick wall- especially if you lay each brick in desperation, in fear for your very life. I had denied my experience. I was hiding from harmony- only I didn’t know it at the time.
What brought me out was something ordinary.
I fell in love. Hard.
I heard the notes of harmony again. Sometimes- when I just let myself be loved by this man- it was more like a symphony.
I came to realize that my experience hadn’t conflicted with my faith at all- it just conflicted with the interpretation of that faith by others. In one sense, LGBT people aren’t asked by their churches to inform the faith- they’re asked to stand outside and accept the information given by others- some of whom are hiding behind their own self-built walls of shame and denial.
I also realized that I hadn’t allowed myself the common dignity of reflecting honestly on my life before making promises to a church that would never accept me as the man I really was.
Ironically, I had preached “the truth will set you free” a million times- but it never sank in until I was freed to be myself. To have compassion for myself. To create a space of understanding in myself.
As a therapist, I know the biggest breakthroughs often come from uncovering the lies that we tell ourselves. “What’s the lie?
But it has to be done with compassion.
I spent years dealing with the fallout of my denial. That initial relationship didn’t last. I spent time doing drugs, having meaningless sex, until I had spiritual breakthrough just weeks before I was diagnosed with HIV.
I’m not sure if we have the time for me to into it here, but here’s what I walked away with: “Nothing can go wrong” (You can read about it here)
Nothing.
In my best moments, I believe this.
In my worst moments, I forget this and struggle to make the world make sense by bending it to my will.
The complete opposite of what I should be doing.
You see, there’s nothing more important than the recognition of reality. Loving what is- not what should or could be- loving what is. Right here, right now.
It doesn’t mean we have to stay in it forever, we just have to let the total reality of the present moment sink in if we want to have fulfilling and satisfying lives.
And yes- sometimes pain is a part of the present reality.
But it’s always temporary.
Notice I said “pain”, not “suffering”. Suffering is almost always optional.
Here’s my definition of suffering: “Suffering. Noun. Remembering past pain in a way that traumatizes; imagining future pain in a way that traumatizes; creating stories about pain that doesn’t exist- either from the past or future. Creating or re-creating unnecessary pain.”
What do you think of that?
I’ve come to understand that it’s not about making things happen, it’s about allowing things to happen- and finding my place in them.
It’s not about bending the world to my will, its about truly looking at the world and knowing that I have a place in it- even if it’s not immediately evident.
It’s about feeling loved. By everything. There’s music there….
How do you do that?
Practice. And by listening for it.
How do musicians get the feel of harmonizing? Practice. And by realizing they won’t get it right every time. By not needing it to be perfect. You have to stop and listen.
Because nothing can go wrong.
Today, I have a man that loves me more than anything else in the world. I believe that. And I love him the same way. We have a house and dogs and a very satisfying life together. I work with LGBT people, helping them to be happy. I work with HIV+ people, helping them to be happy and healthy. I’m doing things that satisfy me.
Some have said “You’ve overcome so much to get where you are today- how did you do it?”
“Yeah, overcoming your own sense of self-importance and shame and denial is a bitch- but we all have to do it eventually. On earth or in heaven, I guess.”
It’s not the circumstances- it’s how you see them.
I believe prayer is trying to see with God’s eyes, not vice-versa. That’s the only way it makes sense. Why would I pray for anything but to see the truth?
Well, maybe to hear the music…. 🙂
We all know the tune- and I believe that we all have the power to discover the harmony. I believe that sooner or later, the harmony will find us- especially if we slow down, quiet ourselves and wait for it.
And that music is so beautiful and rich.
May harmony find you.
Amen.
From the MSU Email alert system: MSU Timely Warning: Sexual Intercourse without Consent
A sexual assault awareness poster. (Photo credit: Official U.S. Navy Imagery)
On July 24, 2013 at approximately 4:15 p.m. the Montana State University
Police Department responded to a report of sexual intercourse without
consent which occurred at an unknown residence, possibly near campus. The
victim reported partying with new acquaintances and that alcohol and
marijuana had been consumed. The victim reported that she became
incapacitated and woke at approximately 2:00 p.m. to the perpetrator
sexually assaulting her. The perpetrator was described as a white male,
approximately 5’6” to 6’ in height, weighing approximately 220 to 240
pounds with short “buzz cut” blonde hair. The perpetrator was also
described as having a goatee and brown eyes. This incident is currently
under investigation.If anyone has information related to this incident, please contact the MSU
Police Department immediately at 994-2121. For anonymous reporting, email
correspondence may be sent to MSU Police at: switness@montana.edu
The MSU Police Department reminds all students, faculty, staff, and campus
visitors to use caution when consuming alcoholic beverages and/or present
in areas where intoxicating substances are being used. Furthermore, it is
recommended that individuals not accept open drinks from strangers or in
large group environments. Always exercise caution when in the company of
new acquaintances at social gatherings.
The MSU Police Department offers crime prevention presentations and
provides escorts which are available on campus 24 hours a day for any
student, faculty, staff or visitor.
This Timely Warning message was sent via the MSU ALERT E-MAIL system to
all students, faculty and staff at MSU Bozeman. All students, faculty, and
staff are automatically enrolled in the MSU ALERT E-MAIL system.
The Montana Board of Regents unanimously approved the addition of sexual orientation and gender identity to the Montana University System’s non-discrimination policy.
The policy change will affect all campuses within the MUS and provide protection to staff, faculty, and students, according to a press release on Monday.
Clayton Christian, the MT Commissioner of Higher Education, said, “That is our hope that we send the right message that they are welcome and embraced and part of our overall state community, one that certainly has open doors and welcoming doors for the Montana University System.”
Dear Greg,
Thanks so much for your support of the registry. I’m happy to report that it passed unanimously last night at Council. Your email made a big difference. I’ll be in touch with how you can register once we solidify the timeline with the Clerk’s office…hopefully we’ll be up and running Aug. 1.
Best, Caitlin
More here: http://www.kpax.com/mobile/news/missoula-council-passes-domestic-partnership-resolution/
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From Buzzfeed:
Exxon.SouthCapitol.SE.WDC.21sep05 (Photo credit: Elvert Barnes)
Illinois officials will begin investigating ExxonMobil to determine if the company discriminates against gay job applicants, putting a spotlight on the company’s employment practices as the Senate considers a bill that would make such discrimination illegal across the country.
The Illinois Department of Human Rights has accepted Freedom to Work’s complaint of employment discrimination against ExxonMobil, the first known time an LGBT group has used a “tester” case — in which a group submits similar applications from fictitious applicants who only differ in the relevant characteristic being tested — in an organizational lawsuit.
“Freedom to Work decided to take a successful strategy from the playbook of African-American civil rights leaders by employing matched-pair employment testing at Exxon and other federal contractors that lack LGBT workplace protections,” Freedom to Work president Tico Almeida told BuzzFeed. “We very quickly found evidence that Exxon has given unfair hiring preference to some lower qualified straight applicants over more qualified LGBT applicants.”
Another reason to avoid Exxon gas… Full story here.
Painting, 14th century, Flanders. Rogier van der Weyden. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Today, the Fourth of July, the U.S. Catholic bishops’ 2nd “Fortnight for Freedom” campaign comes to an end, and it looks like this effort was not any more successful than last year’s program. The campaign, which began on June 21st, was intended to rouse Catholics to become motivated to work to protect religious freedom in the U.S. The bishops have proposed that the freedom of Catholics to worship and govern their church is under fire, particularly because of the advancement of marriage equality for lesbian and gay couples in the political world. The fact that Catholics do not envision the issue with the same sense of threat that the bishops do is a major factor in the failure of the campaigns the last two years.
Marcos Breton, a columnist for the Sacramento Bee, points out that the Catholic bishops seem afraid of the changes that are happening in American culture, and that may be why they have latched on to the religious freedom argument. ”The world is changing rapidly,” he wrote, “and it’s natural for some to view the change with trepidation.”
But that doesn’t mean that religious people need to fear for their freedom. Breton suggests a positive toleration on both sides of the marriage question:
“Same-sex marriage is now legal in 13 states and the District of Columbia, meaning that roughly 30 percent of Americans now reside in states that support marriage equality.
“Within five years, gay marriage could very likely be legal in all 50 states. Public opinion has tilted in favor of marriage equality so quickly, it seems history is on fast forward.
“Watching same-sex couples arrive at the Sacramento County clerk’s office on television Friday reminded me of the night the Berlin Wall came down.
“Years of pent-up emotion suddenly found a release. Old restrictions dissolved into thin air. There were tears. There was exultation and a sense of giddy disbelief. Isolated people suddenly joined a broader community.
“With due respect to fellow Christians who disagree, this was cause for celebration – one that doesn’t have to come at the expense of religious freedom or with intolerance toward religious people.
“You can support the idea that government has no business restricting same-sex marriages while loving your church and trying to live the Gospel.”
And toleration for religious institutions is not only a good thing to do, Breton points out it is also the law:
“In a ruling that the U.S. Supreme Court chose not to invalidate, U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker wrote: ‘Affording (same-sex) couples the opportunity to obtain the designation of marriage will not impinge upon the religious freedom or any religious organization, official or any other person; no religion will be required to change its policies or practices with regard to same sex couples, and no religious officiant will be required to solemnize a marriage in contravention of his or her religious beliefs.’ “
Steve Chapman, a columnist for The Chicago Tribune, also challenges the idea that religious freedom is under attack because of the spread of marriage equality. Speaking of religious people who make such a claim, Chapman wrote:
“It’s a bit rich for these groups to complain that the court is infringing on their freedom to infringe on the freedom of gays. Advocates of same-sex marriage are not trying to exclude heterosexuals from matrimony. They are only asking to be free to practice it as well.
“But opponents charge that churches will be forced to host same-sex weddings and their clergy will be required to perform them. Churches that refuse, they say, may be stripped of their tax-exempt status.
“The likelihood that any of these fears will come to pass ranges from minimal to zero. State laws allow divorce, but Catholic priests haven’t been forced to preside at the weddings of divorced Catholics. Employment discrimination laws haven’t been applied to end bans on female clergy. Nor have such internal church policies led to the loss of standard tax exemptions.”
Chapman notes that marriage equality, far from eroding freedom, is actually an extension of it:
“When Justice Anthony Kennedy made the case for overturning the Defense of Marriage Act, though, he relied on a different provision. DOMA, he wrote, ‘is a deprivation of an essential part of the liberty protected by the Fifth Amendment.’ “
Let’s hope that the failure of this second year’s campaign may teach the bishops that Catholics do not see their religious liberty threatened by marriage equality. Indeed, many Catholics see the support of marriage equality as an important way to practice their faith, not an impediment to it. Instead of Fortnights for Freedom, the bishops would do better to have Fortnights for Dialogue, so they can learn from Catholics how issues of LGBT equality proceed from their love of God, neighbor, and the church.
–Francis DeBernardo, New Ways Ministry
Also published on Bilerico.com
Today, amfAR grantee Dr. Timothy Henrich announced two HIV-positive patients who have undetectable levels of HIV after undergoing stem-cell transplants at the 7th annual International AIDS Society Conference on HIV Pathogenesis, Treatment and Prevention in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
Money (Photo credit: 401(K) 2013)
We’ve had some excellent news about the curing of HIV-infected people in the past year. But it comes at a price.
It’s important to note that the individuals involved received intensive care and went through extreme discomfort in order to eradicate the virus from their bodies. It’s not something that we’ll be able to replicate for the general population anytime soon.
And I think we need to remember that people are still dying of HIV-related causes every day- thousands of people. And new infections aren’t really slowing down- even in the First World where there is convenient access to safe sex supplies. There’s still a disconnect. There’s still ignorance and apathy out there.
It’s still good news however.
From amFAR:
The patients had been on long-term antiretroviral therapy for HIV when they developed lymphoma. To treat the cancer, the patients underwent reduced intensity chemotherapy followed by stem-cell transplants. Since the transplants, Dr. Henrich has been unable to find any evidence of HIV infection.
Dr. Henrich was awarded a grant through the amfAR Research Consortium on HIV Eradication (ARCHE) after presenting preliminary findings on these patients at the International AIDS Conference last July. With support from amfAR, he conducted a clinical study in which his research team withdrew the patients’ antiretroviral therapy and performed several sophisticated assays looking for signs of viral rebound in blood and other tissues. One patient has been off treatment with no detectable virus for approximately 15 weeks, and the second patient for seven weeks, with similar results. However, it is too soon to draw any definitive long-term conclusions.
It is also unclear how long viral rebound might take in a patient whose viral reservoirs have been dramatically depleted, but not eradicated. According to amfAR/ARCHE grantee Dr.Robert Siciliano of Johns Hopkins University, it may take over a year. Previously a patient in a study by the National Institutes of Health had gone 50 days after treatment withdrawal without viral rebound. Dr. Henrich’s patients are at or beyond this threshold, and more definitive answers will emerge as these patients continue to be closely monitored.
“These findings clearly provide important new information that might well alter the current thinking about HIV and gene therapy,” said amfAR CEO Kevin Robert Frost. “While stem-cell transplantation is not a viable option for people with HIV on a broad scale because of its costs and complexity, these new cases could lead us to new approaches to treating, and ultimately even eradicating, HIV.”
The first person to be cured of HIV, Timothy Brown (“the Berlin patient”), also underwent a stem-cell transplant to treat his leukemia. These new cases differ significantly, however, in that the stem-cell donors lacked the genetic mutation (CCR5 delta32) that renders a person virtually resistant to HIV infection. Nor did Dr. Henrich’s patients undergo the intensive chemotherapy or total body irradiation that preceded Timothy Brown’s stem-cell transplant.
“Dr. Henrich is charting new territory in HIV eradication research,” said amfAR Vice President and Director of Research Dr. Rowena Johnston. “Whatever the outcome, we will have learned more about what it will take to cure HIV. We believe amfAR’s continued investments in HIV cure-based research are beginning to show real results and will ultimately lead us to a cure in our lifetime.”
I still can’t help but think we’ve not done our best in response to this epidemic- especially in the last decade. I wonder if, as a community, we settled for simply not dying as a substitute for true health.
If so, what does that say about our self-esteem, self-care and community spirit? Have we lost interest in each other beyond the obvious?
That’s a heavy price to pay.
Yes we can!! (Photo credit: TijsB)
Obama: “I applaud the Supreme Court’s decision to strike down the Defense of Marriage Act. This was discrimination enshrined in law. It treated loving, committed gay and lesbian couples as a separate and lesser class of people. The Supreme Court has righted that wrong, and our country is better off for it. We are a people who declared that we are all created equal – and the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.
This ruling is a victory for couples who have long fought for equal treatment under the law; for children whose parents’ marriages will now be recognized, rightly, as legitimate; for families that, at long last, will get the respect and protection they deserve; and for friends and supporters who have wanted nothing more than to see their loved ones treated fairly and have worked hard to persuade their nation to change for the better.
So we welcome today’s decision, and I’ve directed the Attorney General to work with other members of my Cabinet to review all relevant federal statutes to ensure this decision, including its implications for Federal benefits and obligations, is implemented swiftly and smoothly.
On an issue as sensitive as this, knowing that Americans hold a wide range of views based on deeply held beliefs, maintaining our nation’s commitment to religious freedom is also vital. How religious institutions define and consecrate marriage has always been up to those institutions. Nothing about this decision – which applies only to civil marriages – changes that.
The laws of our land are catching up to the fundamental truth that millions of Americans hold in our hearts: when all Americans are treated as equal, no matter who they are or whom they love, we are all more free. ”
From Eternity To Here 