Category Archives: My Life

Be Your Guest

by D Gregory Smith

I’m not cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year.

For the first time in over a decade, I am not hosting my cadre of family- chosen and biological, to partake of the fruits of a month’s worth of careful planning, shopping and calculated cooking. I am not obsessing about cooking times, allergies, social tensions, wine, vegan alternatives, keeping children occupied, allowing for left-handed eaters, children, pets and making sure to allow for fluctuations in the weather. I don’t have to worry about having enough toilet paper, serving dishes, utensils and glasses. I don’t have to remind myself to breathe. I don’t have to do a NATO-style diplomatic seating chart, wonder about people being left out or included or hit on. I’m not making my famous fig stuffing, cooking a 22 lb turkey, mashing cranberries, potatoes and making that gravy right after the bird comes out. I’m not enjoying the crazy, wide, beautiful variety of my people from the comfort of my own home. 

I’m not doing any of it this year. And, as much as I love all of the above, I’m kind of glad about it.

I’m ready to take a year off and celebrate the blessings in my life with someone else doing all the fussing (my sister’s mother-in-law). I’ll watch football (blankly, I’ll admit), swap stories with my brother-in-law, talk to my Dad about the weather and my Mom about the hell of growing old. My sister and I will catch each other’s eyes at exactly the same time after a crazy comment at the table. There will be other in-laws and outlaws talking delightfully about their childhoods and how kids used to be, while completely fawning over the kids that are there. There will be wonderful smells and  sights and tastes and touches and sounds. I’ll probably eat too much and have dessert anyway. I won’t be alone in that.

I’m going to mindfully, gratefully take it all in. Every cheesy, predictable, ordinary moment of it.

Time was, I never thought I’d live this long. I also didn’t think my family would be so fantastic to me and the man I’ve chosen. I’ve suffered through so many of my own misconceptions, misperceptions and straight-up craziness that now I’m simply deciding to pay attention to the truth: the beauty of my life, my family and the ordinary ways I am loved- without working for it.

It can get lost sometimes, in the craziness. The love of being the perfect host/cook/cruise director is still there, but I think I need the reminder of being the guest in order to appreciate the fulness of life. I want to experience the other side. I remember a saying I once saw in a bed and breakfast:

“It is the host’s responsibility to make their guests feel at home.
It is the guest’s responsibility to remember that they are not.”

There’s graciousness involved on both sides. I think I know how to be a host. It’s time to learn how to be a better guest. Because really, like it or not, it’s actually my primary role. I’m a guest in so many different ways every day of my life- we all are.

And a little practice couldn’t hurt.

I wish you all a very beautiful Thanksgiving.

The Pinwheel of Death

by D Gregory Smith

Yep. I’m seeing it way too often. My fellow MacLovers know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the Apple version of the hourglass, the watch, the “Hang on, I’m thinking” icon on your computer screen. And I’m seeing it.

A lot.

My MacBook is over 5 years old and it’s been living on borrowed time for a while now. On Monday it took me over an hour to post something on Facebook, and responding to comments? Forget it.

So, I’m biting the bullet. Despite the pinwheel, I love my Mac more than any other computer I’ve ever used. So I bought a new MacBook and it’s on it’s way to my door right now. But in the meantime, life may be a little slow here. Mostly because I’ll be eating mac and cheese out of the blue box for a while….

 

Outta Town

by D Gregory Smith

I’ll be at the Rock Creek Lodge in Red Lodge (not this one) for the MT Community Planning Group (CPG) meeting through Saturday. So, things may be slow here.

Peace.

Care Giving

by D Gregory Smith

Sars and me

Bob Linscott of the LGBT Aging Project asked me to write an essay on my caregiving experience with Sars for their monthly newsletter. It was an amazing task for a lot of reasons. Mostly because the gift of time has offered me the ability to look at my life with more objectivity and love- accepting the mistakes as well as the triumphs.

I felt a lot of things as I wrote. Mostly I felt grateful and, well- you’ll see.

Read it here.

Full newsletter is here.

Adventure In Missoula

by D Gregory Smith

 

Yesterday, I headed over to Missoula to participate in the Men’s Group at the WMGLCC which is sponsored by the Montana Gay Men’s Task Force. I also had some estate sale stuff to drop off with Tim Gordon.

Everything was going great. I got the art dropped off, shared a Starbuck’s moment with Tim and Amy and went to get in my car to head to the meeting. The key went into the ignition- but wouldn’t turn. Not after 20 minutes of trying and being on the phone with my brother, the Ford expert. I finally called AAA and got a tow from a very nice Driver named Ben from Red’s Towing. At Bitterroot Motors, they were great. Couldn’t fix the car until the morning, but David Herrera swooped in, picked me up and took me to the group. We had a great evening- I presented on gay men and mental health issues, and the guys really participated.

Today, I got the call that the car was fixed while having coffee with my lovely friend Bernie, so off I go. I pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege to drive my car home and whew- another adventure behind me! And I stayed calm and stress-free the whole time….

Oh, and I didn’t have internet, so that’s why there wasn’t a post yesterday. BUT, I’m working on something I think you’ll really like.

Stay tuned.

Self-Torture

by D Gregory Smith

I owe a lot of my peace and contentment in this world to one particular insight:
Much of what makes me suffer begins in my own mind.

It comes from overthinking: taking an issue and blowing it completely out of proportion by obsessing on it, or looking at the painful past and re-inflicting myself with the pain it caused. Often, I’m creating more pain than ever really happened or is even possible in any real situation. I have come to realize that if I want to feel helpless and/or scared on purpose, I simply have to look at my regretful past or create an impossible future.

This kind of thinking is either untrue or unprovable. Period.

In other words, it’s a waste of time- and yet we talk ourselves into believing those untrue, unprovable thoughts.

How much of thinking is completely in the moment? Not much, it turns out. Most of us are either thinking about the past, worrying about the future, or constructing scenarios that may or may not happen in order to “be prepared”. How much energy is lost in this? It seems more efficient to me to stay as completely in the moment as possible, to practice awareness of the present and thinking on my feet in order to skillfully and purposefully respond to whatever happens. That means taking ownership of my thoughts and directing them, not vice-versa. It is my mind after all. I can teach it not to torture me. In so doing, I am teaching myself not to torture me….

Having said that, I know it’s not that easy. It takes work. I don’t succeed in this as often as I’d like, but I’m improving. I’m becoming more successful at staying in the moment with meditation, intentional breathing and daily reminders that I’ve strategically placed in my daily life. Side effects include a drop in stress and a lift in happiness and serenity. Loving what is- simply by acknowledging it and staying with it.

I love the following quote by Fulton Oursler:

‎”Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves- regret for the past and fear for the future.”

Time to get off that cross- it’s not my place.

Fall Men’s Retreat

by D Gregory Smith

Today I begin the Fall Men’s Health Retreat in Greenough for gay/bi men- it’s one of the highlights of my year. This is my fourth in a row, and the first without Ken (we actually met (or re-met) at the first one I attended). I can’t say enough about the positive effect that I’ve seen happen in these guy’s lives….

I really love these weekends away- it’s a rare chance for me to have a bit of time for self-reflection and teaching. It’s also a rare chance for the men of Montana to make some connections, to share some intimacy that goes beyond the ordinary and maybe discover a bit about themselves. I know I never fail to find some deeper meaning in my own life as a result of experiencing life through the eyes and lives of the guys during this weekend.

So, I’ll be out of touch for a bit, but doing some good things.

And if you’re a guy who wants a deeper connection to himself and others, you could do worse than attend one of these retreats.

Peace,
~G

On The Road- a lot.

by D Gregory Smith

I’ve been to Missoula, Seattle, Missoula and back to Butte in four days- put 1600 miles on the Bofus and am not done yet. Tonight is Bozeman, Wednesday is Helena and then there are retreats to prepare for and the rest of the house to deal with.

Blech.

That’s my first reponse. But then I think about it, and I become grateful. Grateful for the ability to work, to love to play and to be supportive to the lives of people who seem to find me helpful.

Amazing. So I’ll just take back that “blech” from before, ok?

Cleanup

by D Gregory Smith

…in more ways than one.

The estate sale was a great success, but the house needs some help. I’ll be putting things together, and preparing, because there’s still so much STUFF-even after truckloads went out. I’m having dreams about books falling on me…. I think we’re gonna need an auction to clear this place up. Srsly.

I was in Billings Friday and Saturday presenting at Yellowstone AIDS Project, went to the Carroll Homecoming game with some dear friends, then back to Butte. Needless to say, I’m wiped out.

But Ken Spencer gets all the kudos. He’s the hero of the weekend and of my life.
He stayed behind with Karen Barnhardt to make sure it all went well. They both deserve gold medals- and they might even get them. Oh, and if you ever need an estate sales agent, Tim Gordon‘s your man. He and Amy and Nathan rode in like the cavalry and rescued me from an overwhelming situation.

So, recouping and regrouping.

Peace.

Sellin’ The Estate

by D Gregory Smith

It’s been quite the process.

I’ve dealt with grief, loss, funeral planning, obituary writing, eulogy delivering and coming back to a (mostly) empty house and working to return to normal life while settling THE ESTATE (it feels like that in my mind)- whatever that is. Normal life, I mean.

I’ve sent boxes and boxes of material to the Butte Public Archives, explored all the nooks and crannies of this enormous old house, hired an excellent appraisal service, had a lot of great help from Ken and my friends, and lived with the anxiety that having price tags on everything in the house entails.

But now it’s time.

We’re having the estate sale next weekend, Sept 24-26th from 8am to 3pm daily. Click here for the flyer and a preview….

I think I’m ready to let go of all of this stuff- and it’s considerable. But I’m not going to watch the process, I don’t think I could stand it, so I’ll be in Billings helping the Yellowstone Aids Project with their Fall Retreat.

“To live in this world, you must be able to do three things:
to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones
knowing your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes
to let it go, to let it go.~ Mary Oliver