Goodbyes Are Hard…

Apr25 by D Gregory Smith

The man I’ve spent the last 3+ years caring for died on Saturday morning. What a Sarsfield OSullivan was/is such a great force in my life, and I’m feeling a bit lost without him- and with all of the things I have to do. I’m the personal representative. Who knew that caskets came in so many styles, sizes and prices, or that people would be jockeying for position in the goings-on to prevent hurt feelings?

Well, okay, I did- but honestly, they can’t expect a guy who’s had three or four hours of sleep to make such important, eternal decisions- but they do.

And I did.

For better or worse, quite a lot is done. Not nearly enough, though. The grace in all of this is, I have some time to do this and really excellent support- parents, partner, friends- all fantastic.

Saying goodbye sucks, but having such people in my life in the first place really doesn’t. I mean really doesn’t.

Peace, guys.

All You Need Is Blood

Apr21 by D Gregory Smith

It’s been a wild week, what with returning from Seattle with Ken, getting a Kindle (LOVE IT- I’ve named her Debbie); dealing with assorted elderly issues with Sars- like nosebleeds from the oxygen hose resulting in another emergency room visit, too weak to get to the toilet on time resulting in the nearly surgical use of gloves, bleach and scrub brushes, etc.; spending more car time to get to the Bozeman Men’s Process Group at Bridger Clinic (Awesome!); and trying to see clients and meditate and exercise and spend some time outside- you get the idea.

Despite all the wonderful and challenging things that have made up my week, I’ve been preoccupied.

My blood tests all came back from Group Health, and my leukocytes and neutrophils (Types of white blood cells) have been climbing steadily since October. We’re not sure that that means- it could be any number of things, so I’m trying not to go there until I have more info. The point is, Ken and I will be going to Spokane on Friday to have more blood drawn to see what can be seen. More car time with my feller- Yay! And more information forthcoming- I hope.

This is the first time that something’s really been unusual in my testing since the HIV diagnosis, and I am trying to be realistic and optimistic and yet… I guess I know that I need to breathe and just love whatever it is, but for some reason, right now that seems hard. Later today or tomorrow it might not be, but right now-

Anyway, whatever is going on, I’m promising myself to deal with it as gracefully as I can.

I’m counting on you all to hold me to it.

Home Health

Apr2 by D Gregory Smith

Sars is home now, and very weak. It looks like we’ll be stepping up the assistance a bit- he’s not able to walk unassisted right now, and we’re not sure whether he’ll regain that strength, so there’s now a commode in the living room, and hard surfaces at a minimum in case of falling…

Maybe I’ll get a nursing degree through experience.

Thanks to all who’ve expressed encouragement and support. And gg, if you were there for someone else, I’m sure someone will be there for you.

Peace,

Bedside Yammer

Mar31 by D Gregory Smith

Sorry for the silence- it’s been a long 26 hours.

I was in Bozeman last night facilitating the men’s process group, when I got a message: Sars has had a really bad nosebleed (dangerous for a man on a lot of blood thinners) and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. He’s going to be there overnight, so don’t worry.

Right.

To top it all off, we had the mother of all Spring blizzards last night, so a drive that usually takes me a little over an hour took almost two- whiteout conditions included. I arrived frazzled about 11 pm (too late to visit the hospital) and slept (badly). This morning I got to the hospital to see my friend looking weak and frail- even after receiving two pints of blood. I’m not really sure I’ve seen him like this before. He’s always been sickly, but his eyes always twinkled, and his smile came easily. Not today. Reality is starting to grab me by the belt loops and say “Here I am. Deal with me.”

Ugh.

After conferring with the doctor it was decided that we would keep him there another night, because, as the doctor said “At eighty-five, it would do him some good to rest and recover a bit- and you need to take a break. It’s not going to be any easier from here.” Yeah, I guess.

But the house is very quiet without him.