The Joys of Parenting

Dec7 by Timber

Ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to be a father. I even asked for a baby doll for Christmas, much to my parents’ chagrin. However, I actually GOT said baby doll. Her name was Tina! Funny how I can remember that. I took her everywhere around the house with me. Made sure she “ate” and changed her diaper. Mom used to watch me with her and she had decided that I would make a fantastic father, someday.

In church, on Sundays, Mom would often take nursery duty. There weren’t that many infants in those days, but she would bring me with her to “help.” Little did she know that my “help” really WAS help. She used to delight in telling people that little babies/children and dogs really love me. Whenever someone was fussy, into my arms they went. And, they quieted down very quickly.

I spent many years believing that I would, someday, be a father. I got married at 19 partly because of that. Now, never you mind that I had come out at 17 for the first time. My desire to be a parent far outweighed the fact that I am gay. And, I knew that the only way I could ever have children was to be married. This was a direct result of growing up in the church with a minister for a father.

Shortly thereafter, I got divorced. A marriage that lasted 9 months, legally. And, I came out again. All of my hopes of parenthood were dashed and I was preparing myself to never think of children again.

Fast forward some years later. I worked my way out of the “pink haze” and I became an adult. (In maturity vs. age – there is a HUGE difference!) I was spending my time around couples of all genders and sexuality. And, there were children. Who knew?

Again, hope flared. Albeit, briefly. I began to look into adoption, but here in the State of Montana, you are more likely to be able to adopt as a single parent, than as a gay couple. Hopes dashed again.

I met a young man at the theatre where I do some music direction and acting. He was a foster kid and really was one of societies throw-aways. He had been in the foster care system since he was 4 years old and was fast approaching 17. We struck up a friendship and then became a bit closer. I was a mentor to him. Eventually, he started calling me, “Dad.” And a family was born.

Fast forward just a few months later. Around the same time I met the young man, I met a single mother with a wonderful daughter. Come to find out, they were our neighbors across the street. We had only just moved in. Well, my partner and I used to spend a lot of time sitting on the front porch. Very late one evening, we send a text to “Mom” saying, “Kid is home. Isn’t she a bit late?” From that, became a surrogate parenthood of a teenage daughter. As a matter of fact, while I sit here writing this, she is staying at our house while her mother is out of town and I am fretting like any other parent because I am waiting for her to come home, the snow is starting to come down and she just got her driver’s license this summer. . .I digress.

Anyway, I read an article that gave me even more hope. Read it here: Foster Parenting

It would appear that in Los Angeles, they are trying to court LGBT couples to become foster parents! Something that we might consider in Montana. Think about it. . .so many children need stable homes. And, how many of us have had the desire to become parents, but lack the funds to adopt or have surrogacy, etc? (By the way, adopting from the foster care system is usually subsidized BY the foster care system! Or at least the costs are greatly reduced.)

So, my point in all of this is, “FAMILY” is defined many ways. There are many opportunities for us to become parents. There are many ways to help children out there. And, there are times for us to be positive role models to young people.

Foster parent says Social Services investigation long overdue (wtvr.com)
Failed to Death: Colorado needs hundreds more foster families (denverpost.com)
My Turn: At-risk Alaska kids need foster parents (juneauempire.com)
Adding to our family… (angelatucker.wordpress.com)
500 Fla. foster kids adopted (sfgate.com)

“Dead Gay Kids And The Politics Of Hate”

Jan27 by D Gregory Smith

You’ve heard of the “It Gets Better” campaign? Well, according to one Tennessee legislator ,”It Just Gets Worse”.

Christy Diane Farr writes an excellent article about the rhetoric used by the ignorant to allow- and justify- the death of our children. Excerpt:

Image by Rickydavid via Flickr

The next morning, she received a response from Tennessee State Representative John Ragan that sounded as if it had been taken straight from Hitler’s playbook. I am not exaggerating, even a little, and invite you to go here and read for yourself.

I cried as she read me the message. I thought I would throw up. His final point literally took my breath away:

“Examining another statistic, it has been well known for a decade that suicide is attempted much more frequently in the homosexual community than in the heterosexual community (Mathy, Cochran, Olsen, & Mays, 2009). This same source pointed out that, on average, suicide is approximately three times more likely among homosexuals than heterosexuals.

“As a fitting critical thought question, it could be asked if other identifiable groups that engage in behavior of which ‘others may disapprove’ commit suicide at similar rates? In other words, do prostitutes, pedophiles, polygamists, murders, etc., commit suicide at the same, or similar, rates to homosexual behavior practitioners? If similar rates were hypothetically so (not proven to be the case), do these behavior practitioners commit suicide at a higher rate because someone may have disapproved of their behavior or for other reasons? Should society avoid disapproving of pedophilia, prostitution, murder, etc., because practitioners of those behaviors may commit suicide at higher rates?”

The author makes a lot of amazing points- chief among them is that for a lot of of kids, the “It gets better” message isn’t coming through- because teachers and legislators and parents are stifling the message- and countermanding it. But there is a need to stay vigilant, there is a need to speak up- and it’s because of one simple philosophy:

The list of the others–the “they” who are allowing their fear and hatred to erode our National integrity–goes on and on, but the truth is that this radical lesbian-headed household doesn’t even believe in “they.” We teach our children about how everyone is equal, even those who think we are not. We believe that human difference is real, that it’s important, and that diversity, inclusivity, and integrity are what make us strong–as individuals, families, communities, states, counties, and as a planet.

We live by one guiding principle: Be nice or leave.

That means we don’t make life harder for other people (rinse your dishes before they go in the dishwasher and dispose of your waste responsibly). It means do your best so the collective “we” can be at our best. We tread lightly on the planet. We disagree respectfully because we certainly won’t always agree, but we can always do it respectfully and intelligently.

Oh, and we ask for what we need because we understand that it’s codependent and manipulative (prime examples of the “not nice” that can result in being invited to leave) to expect others to know what you need and desire.

Read the rest of this excellent essay here.

‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Returns to Tennessee (patheos.com)
Gay Teen Filmmaker Commits Suicide (abcnews.go.com)
Gays Not “Mentally Healthy Adult Human Beings” According To This Clueless Tennessee Lawmaker (perezhilton.com)
Gay Teen Commits Suicide One Month After Making “It Gets Better” Video (buzzfeed.com)
Gay Teenager Phillip Parker Commits Suicide Due To Relentless Bullying (perezhilton.com)
Houston Chronicle Blogger Mom Says Gay Teens Should Stay in Closet to Avoid Suicide [Parenting] (gawker.com)

“Boys Don’t Kiss Boys Here”

Jan7 by D Gregory Smith

A brilliant, heartwarming and serious look at the way gender hyper-stereotypes may be crushing our children’s spirits, from The Good Men Project:

“Time to clean up your toys and come downstairs to say our goodbyes.” I yell upstairs as two sweet boys come sliding down the stairs, giggling—still covered in markers and delight.

“Give your friend a great big hug and a kiss and tell him we’ll see him soon,”

“Mom, I can’t kiss him.”

“Why not?” I ask with a smile, imagining some funny, as-only-kids-will-say statement. Sadly, my smile withdrew as I heard the following response come out of my child’s mouth.

“Because Sam’s mom said that boys aren’t allowed to kiss each other.”

Fear. It creeps in like a villain who, even after dying one thousand times over by the hands of the comic book hero, manages to live on.

This incident left me befuddled. It felt similar to a time when my son showed a love of dance that was so intense it only made sense to enroll him in lessons. At three years old, he was the only boy in a class of all girls. Comments from other parents were surprising. My husband was particularly frustrated when one mother said, “Wow—that’s great of you. I just don’t think I can enroll her brother in dance. My husband would kill me.”

As a mother of a boy in a post-feminist society, I stopped a sole focus on career aspirations and cracking that ever-present glass ceiling and instead, altered my sightline. Raising a boy is one feat, and requires presence of mind and reaction timing surpassing that of an NFL quarterback. To raise a man, however, requires forethought and an open mind. It made perfect sense that Tom Matlack started Good Men Project—what struck me in my desire to better parent a boy, is how little support and information there is out there to do just that.

You may remember the story about the kid whose mom let him dress up as Daphne for Halloween– this essay is just as frank, just as important and asks some very important questions.

Please read the whole essay here.

The Catholic Hierarchy: “Suffer The Little Children.”

Dec29 by D Gregory Smith

Illinois Catholic bishops are taking their ball and going home in the face of federal non-discrimination requirements for foster care and adoption. The New York Times:

Image via Wikipedia

Roman Catholic bishops in Illinois have shuttered most of the Catholic Charities affiliates in the state rather than comply with a new requirement that says they must consider same-sex couples as potential foster-care and adoptive parents if they want to receive state money. The charities have served for more than 40 years as a major link in the state’s social service network for poor and neglected children.

The bishops have followed colleagues in Washington, D.C., and Massachusetts who had jettisoned their adoption services rather than comply with nondiscrimination laws.

The vilification of LGBT persons by the hierarchy of the Roman Catholic Church is quickly becoming hysterical paranoia. What I find interesting is that it flies in the face of most of the opinions of people in the pews as well as the experience of many of the clergy and bishops themselves. They know gay people, they minister to gay people, and- I know this from personal experience- many of them are gay people.

Yet, this real-life, personal experience has no credibility in the face of freakishly ideological edicts from Rome. It’s absolutely backward. The experience of the people is supposed to form the church, form the hierarchy.

Not to mention the disregard for social and biological science. This is a church that would rather let the little children suffer. It saddens me.

Where’s the love, people?

Read the full story here

Catholic Bishops’ Lie About Threats to Religious Freedom (bilerico.com)
In Adoption Controversy, Put the Children First (newwaysministryblog.wordpress.com)
NYT: Bishops say rules on gay parents limit religious freedom (msnbc.msn.com)
Catholic bishop doesn’t know when to shut up: compares gays to Ku Klux Klan (whyevolutionistrue.wordpress.com)

WE’RE HERE

Jul14 by D Gregory Smith

The Missoulian and other media outlets are reporting that, according to the 2010 Census:

The number of gay and lesbian households in Montana has grown more than 54 percent over the last decade, and more than a quarter of those couples are raising children.

Census data released Thursday show there were 2,295 Montana households with same-sex couples in 2010. That’s compared to 1,482 in 2000.

More than 28 percent, or 655 households, are raising children under 18 years old. The 2010 Census tracked that information for the first time.

My first response to this news was to think, “Twice as many Montana same-sex households haven’t been ‘created’ in the last ten years- they’re just being reported.” But, then again, I just started one myself, so who knows?

Whatever the reason, I just love that the numbers have almost doubled. That particular reality must make some people very nervous….

However, the fact that more than a quarter of those reported are raising children is important, especially in light of the fact that some Montana school districts have been battlegrounds for comprehensive sex education- education which includes discussion of a broad understanding of sexuality. These battles are seemingly fought in ignorance to the rapidly dawning (and expanding!) reality of family diversity- even here in the wilds of Montana.

655 same-sex households are raising children- that’s at least 655 children who will have acceptance and understanding of diversity from a first person viewpoint. That’s at least 655 children who will know that good parenting doesn’t depend on heterosexual orientation. And their friends and the parents of their friends will know it, too.

Excellent.

Sunday Sign 5/15/11

May15 by D Gregory Smith

From reader Mark (again!), comes this little treasure:

If you see a fun/ironic/stupid/sick publicly posted sign, grab your phone/camera,
click and send it to me! Dgsma@hotmail.com- and put “sign” in the topic line.

Another Mom Speaks

Nov20 by D Gregory Smith

From Momastery, a really beautiful letter from the mother we all wish we had, to her son.

Excerpt:

And I don’t mean, Chase, that we would be tolerant of you and your sexuality. If our goal is to be tolerant of people who are different than we are, Chase, than we really are aiming quite low. Traffic jams are to be tolerated. People are to be celebrated.

Read the rest here.