For Ted and Jack, Marriage Equality Came Too Late

Ted and Jack

Crossposted at Bilerico.com

You may remember my friend Ted Hayes. He’s been a guest of the site, writing a column about fundamentalism and sexuality and the pro-choice-life rhetoric.

New York’s Hudson Valley Times Herald-Record profiled Ted today- on the day that marriage equality becomes a reality in that state- and it’s beautiful.

For many people outside the LGBT world, gay pride and marriage equality is too often seen simply as the cause of “radical” youth- the pierced, cross-dressing, politically and theologically liberal boys/girls/trans/men/women with their Harleys and glitter and rollerskates.

It is that- and I happen to love it and believe in the power and importance of self-expression.

But it’s also more.

Gay Pride and marriage equality are also about the people of advancing age who have struggled to live their lives with love and integrity in the face of hatred, anger, denial and oppression- the kind that many of us today simply cannot fathom.

Enter Ted:

This is a short story about a man’s long life as he stands on the brink of a day he never thought would arrive.

At the age of eight, Ted Hayes heard a kid in the schoolyard call another kid a queer.

Hayes asked a friend what the word meant.

“It means when boys like boys, not girls. My dad says anyone like that should be killed.”

The friend said he was sure glad he wasn’t like that. Hayes agreed.

“That was the day the lying began — years and years of lying,” Hayes, of Stone Ridge, recalled last week.

The state’s gay marriage law takes effect Sunday. Hayes, now 80, grew up in the South and has mixed feelings about it. He’s fought for gay marriage and he’s glad it’s finally come to pass. Yet, the law ends at the New York state border. It represents a battle won, in a war that’s still being fought.

The law’s passage came too late for Hayes to share its satisfactions with his partner of 26 years, Jack Waite, who died of cancer two years ago at the age of 94.

“Jack could never grasp how our being married would have harmed another’s marriage in the slightest,” Hayes said, dismay coloring his voice.

The harm that’s been done, as Hayes has experienced it, has not been done by those who have struggled for marriage equality but by those who would deny them, people who have tried all Hayes’s long life to keep him a fearful, uncomplaining second-class citizen.

Thanks, Ted. We owe you one.

Read the full, beautiful story here.

WE’RE HERE

The Missoulian and other media outlets are reporting that, according to the 2010 Census:

The number of gay and lesbian households in Montana has grown more than 54 percent over the last decade, and more than a quarter of those couples are raising children.

Census data released Thursday show there were 2,295 Montana households with same-sex couples in 2010. That’s compared to 1,482 in 2000.

More than 28 percent, or 655 households, are raising children under 18 years old. The 2010 Census tracked that information for the first time.

My first response to this news was to think, “Twice as many Montana same-sex households haven’t been ‘created’ in the last ten years- they’re just being reported.” But, then again, I just started one myself, so who knows?

Whatever the reason, I just love that the numbers have almost doubled. That particular reality must make some people very nervous….

However, the fact that more than a quarter of those reported are raising children is important, especially in light of the fact that some Montana school districts have been battlegrounds for comprehensive sex education- education which includes discussion of a broad understanding of sexuality. These battles are seemingly fought in ignorance to the rapidly dawning (and expanding!) reality of  family diversity- even here in the wilds of Montana.

655 same-sex households are raising children- that’s at least 655 children who will have acceptance and understanding of diversity from a first person viewpoint. That’s at least 655 children who will know that good parenting doesn’t depend on heterosexual orientation. And their friends and the parents of their friends will know it, too.

Excellent.

Read more: http://missoulian.com/news/state-and-regional/article_03b13acc-ae18-11e0-a84d-001cc4c03286.html#ixzz1S5tyHllQ

Marriage, Civil Unions, Platform Planks and Communion

What do all of these things have in common?

The answer in my head is this: injustice. Let’s take them one by one, shall we?

Marriage
Last week, New York joined ConnecticutIowaMassachusettsNew HampshireVermont, plus Washington, D.C. and the Coquille Indian Tribe in Oregon in granting human beings the right to marry another human being and to enjoy all the rights and privileges thereof.

It was a dramatic moment for me.

I was sitting in the kitchen of two people I love very dearly (State of Washington-certified Domestic Partners), watching them make dinner while Tweeting the progress of the New York Senate and holding the hand of the man I love. I was thinking about the impact this could have on my life. To wit: If New York legislates marriage, does that mean that all the state constitutional bans on marriage equality will eventually be struck down and I could marry this man I love in the state we were both born in, live in, work in, pay taxes in, own property in? That I could enjoy the freedoms other people so casually have without the sense of gross injustice that people who are discriminated against know and feel deeply?

Wow. Maybe it COULD happen.

And then, the legislation passed and I experienced the same shiver of joy I felt when I first said “I’m gay” to another living person. Relief and truth and happiness. All rolled into one. And I knew I was not alone. This may have happened in New York, but it was felt all over the world- and the irony is not lost. The echoes of Stonewall nearly half a century ago, reverberated in every subsequent Tweet, text and Facebook update.

It was really happening.

Civil Unions
Rhode Island this week passed a bill which grants human beings the right of Civil Union if they do not qualify for marriage as defined by the state. Another dramatic moment for me. Rhode Island is heavily Catholic- I never thought this would fly here.

Well, at least not very easily.

It is very well worth noting, that Catholics, for the most part, have an overwhelming sense of social justice. Almost all of the polls conducted show a sensitivity to social issues on the part of American Catholics unparalleled by their Protestant counterparts. Still, the Roman Catholic hierarchy has been working overtime to strike fear into the hearts of the people in the pews regarding human marriage. With phrases like “protect your children/family”, “slippery slope”,”moral decay”, “dangerous precedent”, the Catholic leadership has worked to make this particularly deep social justice issue one of moral urgency. I thought it might work.

I was afraid it might.

But Chicken Little and his frantic fear-mongering fell on (mostly) deaf ears. The Catholics in the pews remembered their catechism’s teachings on love, compassion and justice and supported non-discrimination in Rhode Island. That bodes well for the rest of the U.S., especially since more Catholics than not support marriage equality (and that number is poised to increase as the demographic ages).

Some say it’s not enough- we need full marriage. And they’re right. But listen to Rhode Island. They have something important to say- and it’s good news.

Platform Planks
Yeah, I know. I just can’t shut up about this. But doesn’t all of the above make the Montana Republicans and their bigoted platform plank look even more ridiculous and irrelevant?

Communion
A Vatican Adviser last week called for excommunicating Governor Andrew Cuomo for supporting free choice in human marriage in the State of New York. Professor Edward Peters of Sacred Heart Seminary in Detroit advocated using the Eucharist as “punishment” and “a warning” for others in official positions who might be considering following Cuomo’s lead. It doesn’t matter that the church has been slow to respond on civil rights issues before- the lesson seems to be lost. Well, on the higher-ups anyway (see above).

The dogmaticism of the Roman Catholic hierarchy is increasingly out of touch with the sensus fidelium– the ability of the people of the church to sense the propriety of doctrine and official positions within the church. The people are clearly seeing something that all the combined high-hatted prelates of the world cannot: discrimination based on sexuality is an injustice- and human marriage discrimination is an injustice.

Period.

The reasonable and thoughtful Catholics I know, the people in the pews who know me and know my partner see that all we want is to have the dignity and respect of just one of Newt Gingrich’s marriages. Just one. They realize that the love I have for this man is not a threat to them, or to the church, or to God. Marriage is not a threat to anyone. It’s just a simple recognition of the truth.

The truth of two human beings who love each other and simply want to publicly commit to their common welfare. Maybe with their children. Or a few chihuahas or cats running around. Whatever. No big deal.

Except that it is.

The levels of denial and refusal to acknowledge reality here by equality opponents is bordering on the psychotic. It’s becoming ridiculous. The good news is that with New York, Rhode Island and a very successful Montana Pride, it looks like most of America is beginning to realize that.

The sky isn’t falling after all. In fact, it’s beckoning us, welcoming us.

With a fucking rainbow.

Catholics And Marriage Equality

There has always been a strong sense of social justice in the catholic tradition- especially in the minds of the people in the pews. The great advocates of social reform and justice more often come from the laity and monks and nuns- persons more in touch arguably, with the gospel and real life in general. Mother Theresa, Dorothy Day, Francis of Assisi, all railed against the marginalization of human beings- creating real social change in the world. Bishop Oscar Romero and Pope John XXIII were the exception more than the rule.

So, it was with a lot of hope that I read this:

Last month, the Public Religion Research Institute, a nonprofit group, reported that 74 percent of American Catholics surveyed supported the rights of same-sex couples to marry or form civil unions (43 percent and 31 percent, respectively). The telephone survey asked more than 3,000 adults to choose among three options: whether gay couples should be allowed to marry, should be allowed to form civil unions or should receive no legal recognition. By comparison, 16 percent of white evangelical Christians approved of same-sex marriages; 24 percent approved of civil unions. Among the general public, those rates climb to 37 and 27 percent, respectively — still lower than among Catholics.

Catholics have always had a great sense of the social justice elements of issues- a strong sense of the suffering of humanity, I believe. They take the mandate of service very literally- the Sermon on the Mount and the Corporal Works of Mercy were always stressed in my own religious upbringing.

Evangelical Christians are more likely to struggle with fundamentalism on this and other issues, citing (often unclear or inconsistent) scripture passages, and tending to ignore social science or scientific evidence in favor of the bible.

I do know one thing: Last week, at my mother’s Catholic funeral, I introduced my partner to everyone I knew and grew up with in that little church and we were received with nothing but warmth.

Nothing but.

If only the leadership would get it- and all those gay clergy (and bishops!) would share their experience- we might have a shot at addressing reality….

No matter- the people in the pews have always been ahead of the curve. It’ll happen eventually.

OH NO!

“Expert” Testimony of Chiropractor Helps Kill Wyoming’s Civil Union Bill

Unbe-fucking-lievable.

Working…

I’ve been busy with clients and doing an interview (which includes editing- my first crack at it) with Jason Marsden, Executive Director of the Matthew Shepard Foundation, to air on SameSexSunday.

I have to say, it was fascinating- both the interview and the process. We discussed the Wyoming legislature’s attempt to repeal a 130 year-old law recognizing all legal marriages performed elsewhere- and right now, that includes same-sex marriages. We talked about being a gay, rural kid and country-style activism, and finally, about what the Matthew Shepard Foundation is up to.

Like I said good stuff. I’ll put up the links when I get them.

You are subscribing to SameSexSunday, aren’t you?

No More Smear The Queer

In a short note to me this weekend, my friend and colleague Brody Levesque shared a personal thought about this election cycle that stopped me:

“I just cannot get over how hateful some of the rhetoric is this time out. In 31 years of being a political reporter, I can’t remember seeing it this bad.”

Wow. Maybe I’m becoming inured or cynical, or maybe I’ve been too busy defending my own turf to make comparisons. But, I wonder if he’s right. When have we had stompings, regular threats of murder, bullying, rallies for hate, such blatant lies, ignorance in campaigns and reactionary forces being such a force in our country since the sixties? Maybe, but I don’t remember it. Feel free to remind me.

What strikes me is the ease with which the populace has accepted this shit. How easy I accepted it. Hmmm. Let’s look something up.

Hate: Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hete; akin to Old High German haz hate, Greek: kedos, care. Date: before 12th century; noun, intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.

See the word “fear”?  Just hold onto it for a minute. I’m going to digress slightly, but we’ll get back to this. Promise.

There is one thing that drives American culture more than anything else, and that thing is money.

The Complete Culture of Capitalism has some gruesome side-effects. People with a lot of money have influence and they get whatever they want with little or no accountability, and when they band together, they run the country (see Haliburton). The people with less money have very little influence and they rarely get what they want, even though they outnumber the rich. Why? Because the rich play the fear game. They divide us into opposing groups: Liberal and Conservative, gay and straight, moral and immoral, rich and poor, urban and rural, christian and heathen. They then teach us how to hate each other because our values are being threatened by “the other”. They do that because they have the money to do it, and like a child pitting two divorced parents against each other in order to get what they want, they stand back and watch us fight. Smugly.

This fighting and drama is all a distraction from the real issue, which is, as you probably guessed- money.  The only problem with the divorced parents and child analogy is this: the child is really a changeling, a cuckoo. It is not their child, not really their responsibility at all. But the masquerade has been conducted so well that, even when faced by the truth, the parents refuse to accept it.

It’s a simple thing, but a complicated concept. Economics has more schools of thought that political science. But it made me wonder. On a single issue, fighting the gays, some friends of a friend casually wondered about the amount of money the Christian Right has spent over the last 3 decades- from Harvey Milk’s election in 1977 to the present day. It became kind of a fun project for them, and they worked for a while and came up with a conservative figure (pun intended) of 1.4 billion. That goes from before Anita Bryant well beyond the opposition of Prop 8.

Well over a billion dollars. And that was a simple figure. Makes me wonder what a serious graduate student or economist could do with this project.

Almost one and a half billion dollars. That may or may not include pastor’s salaries, plane tickets, gas, power bills, office supplies, etc. That to me, is a campaign to fight fear.

What exactly is fear? I think we take it for granted. Quite simply, fear is what happens when you think you’re going to get something you don’t want. That’s what I’m going to point out. The Christian Right has given up civil discourse in favor of missionary zeal to fight something they think they won’t want- and not only that, they have done it by lying. They perpetuate the ideology before the person.  They have de-humanized “The Homosexuals”, for a very simple reason: there is no need to be civil if gays are less than human. It becomes acceptable in schools to bully and “smear the queer.” Do unto others doesn’t count if you’re not talking about real people. It becomes a moral imperative to be hateful and cruel- the irony of all ironies within a Christian context….

So what’s our job? I think there are mainly two right now.

Show Them The Money.
Facts are facts. I don’t think the average American knows how much money has been spent in smearing the queer. Show the people in the pews exactly how much money they have spent in keeping other human beings down.If polls are any indication, the number of people who want us to have equal rights are not outnumbered by those who don’t. The naysayers are just spending more money. And they are spending it in the name of everyone they represent, with or without their permission. Local and national politicians, PACs, even entire denominations and corporations are contributing money to prevent equal rights. I think that if the people knew how much money was being spent in their name, it wouldn’t happen so easily. Accountability would be more highly sought and touted.  8: The Mormon Proposition was on the right track, but it didn’t go far enough. Prop 8 is just the latest and most widely publicized fight in over 40 years of political and social struggling. Our job is to call this funding what it is: prejudice and bigotry. And no matter how they try to hide this money (and hiding is just a way they show they know it’s wrong) we must work to find it. (Where are you, gay economists and forensic accountants?)

Come Out.
Come out as far as you feel you can, and support others when they come out.Reclaim our humanity in the eyes of our oppressors. Harvey Milk said this:

“I cannot prevent some people from feeling angry and frustrated and mad, but I hope they will take that frustration and that madness and instead of demonstrating or anything of that type, I would hope they would take the power and I would hope that five, ten, one hundred, a thousand would rise. I would like to see every gay doctor come out, every gay lawyer, every gay architect come out, stand up and let that world know. That would do more to end prejudice overnight than anybody would imagine. I urge them to do that, urge them to come out. Only that way will we start to achieve our rights.”

We have to be real. We have to be human. Our job is to be visible, to be teachers, to show our  families, our neighbors, our  churches, our communities and our nation that we are not monsters. We are not the antichrist. We are human beings with feelings and families and jobs and faith. We know fear and pain and loss. We know joy and love and happiness. We are people who love. We are not a threat to anyone’s marriage or faith or family. Personally, I think my most important jobs is to teach other human beings how to love what they do not understand.

This all boils down to the same thing: the unifying principle of humanity. Most people aren’t interested in oppressing other people. Those that seem to be are lost in the rhetoric that LGBT’s are not human beings. It’s our job to show them that we are. Shakespeare wrote one of the first and most beautiful pleas for civil rights and equality in The Merchant Of Venice, when Shylock, a Jew, finally responds to the blatant prejudice of his day:

“I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, heal’d by the same means, warm’d and cool’d by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.”

Like Shylock, we have to continually remind the world of our humanity until any rhetoric to the contrary becomes powerless. Until Smear The Queer is no longer played on our playgrounds and in our elections. Unlike Shakespeare, I am not justifying revenge. In fact, I want just the opposite. I’m suggesting militant understanding and sanity. Sanity through honesty, intelligence, perseverance and diligence. We have to stand up and speak when we’re told to sit down and shut up. We have to rebuff the anger and fear with the truth. We have to. Now more than ever.

The most important candidate in this election is fear. And it’s our job to oppose it and expose it for what it really is- a dehumanizing cuckoo.

The only thing we have to lose is our humanity.

A Glacier Wedding

I’m headed to West Glacier to hang out with some of my Seattle people and watch Eric And Logan get married. I’m very excited to be spending time in a cabin in the woods with people I love to go out with, but have never shared a bathroom with- well, except Al, I guess. Now I’m worried. He spends a lot of time in the bathroom. (Okay, I shouldn’t have said that, he’s sensitive.)

So this isn’t as political as it sounds. Eric and Logan are Montana kids who now live in Seattle. And Logan is a beautiful woman who simply happens to have the name of at least three generations of men in my family. Times a’changin’ and all that.

I wonder what my grandfather (Logan) would say to that? Come to think of it, not much. I think I only ever heard him speak a full sentence when my brother (Logan) and I broke the back window of the Old Ford throwing wood into the back of the truck for the winter wood pile back home. And then it was a simple declarative with an understood personal pronoun: “Guess you’ll be payin’ for that.” My father (David Logan) made sure we did.

Anyway- posting may be spotty- I’ll take pics and maybe post some stuff, but I’m going to try and relax. I’ve had a very crazy few weeks behind me.

In the meantime- check out the wedding website. They’re good people with great friends and it should be quite a party.

Sully vs Douthat

Andrew Sullivan responds reasonably, beautifully to Ross Douthat’s sanctimonious “gay marriage” op-ed in the Sunday NYT:

And – this is my main point – Ross’ argument simply ignores the existence and dignity and lives and testimony of gay people. This is strange because the only reason this question has arisen at all is because the visibility of gay family members has become now so unmissable that it cannot be ignored.

If you want to understand and hear some excellent and rational points on marriage equality, it’s a great read. Full text here.