I’ve heard it a lot- especially from people who are trying to find something comforting to say in the face of tragedy or bad news. I’ve heard it said to me at times when I was facing some of the biggest challenges of my life. I’ve heard it when I was feeling down about a breakup, a job loss, or some painful moment of friendship- perceived betrayal, hurtful comments or just bad feelings. I heard it a lot when I told people about my HIV diagnosis. I know when people say it, they are trying to be kind.

Here’s my confession: I don’t believe it.

First, it goes against all of the things I believe about free will and my own power in the world. Do I determine my own fate? Not totally, no. As much as I can, yes. I do this in my decisions, my attitudes and my approach to life. We all do. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t spend so much wasteful time in regret. “What if I would have said/done…?” “If I had only…”

Second, it says to me something about people’s religious faith or spiritual understanding. When someone says the phrase, It says they believe there’s a deterministic force moving us all toward an intended goal. Like sheep. The irony of the consistently Gospel metaphor is not lost on me, but I don’t like that image of God as Sheepdog. I am a person of faith, but not that kind.

Third, it really denies my creativity. When presented with a problem, should I just wait until the solution presents itself, fully formed at the end of my life? That seems like existential laziness. Should I look at a situation, try and wrap my brain around it and treat it like it the opportunity it is? That’s what I try to do. I prefer to face reality squarely, sizing it up honestly and moving forward with integrity. When I can, or, at least when I don’t forget.

I want to be clear, I am not saying that we shouldn’t have hopeful stances of faith or belief in the face of crisis. I am saying that the sort of Theistic Determinism exemplified by “Everything happens for a reason” doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel like a pawn. Or a sheep. And, as someone who’s spent a fair amount of time around sheep (I know, I know), I’m not that interested in being compared to one.

I believe that reality is reasonable, generous and kind. I have a lot of proof. I spend a lot of time looking for ways to see difficult situations in this light because I know it to be true in my life and in the world I see around me. I work at honing my vision. In meditation, in my work with others, in my dealing with friends and with myself. I want to see everything as it is- not with a deterministic hazy sort of vagueness of “a reason”, but with an optimistic understanding of my own voice, vision and ability to interpret the world in a way consistent with my heart. And I want to see the possibilities. All of them. I don’t want to look for a reason, I want to look for reality.

My worldview doesn’t insist on a reason for everything happening- but with it, I’ve come to see that I can make sense out of almost anything…..

That was a question I got from someone recently, and I have to admit, it made me stop and think. I came up with several reasons.

• I could be rejected and it will hurt.
• I could look like an ass because the other person will think I have ulterior motives.
• I could be rejected and it will hurt.
• I could feel incompetent or unqualified if my offer is not accepted or acknowledged.
• I could be rejected and it will hurt.
• I could fail and not be of any help at all.
• I could be rejected and it will hurt.

I know- but that’s how it works sometimes in my head.

I spent quite a lot of my life working to make life better, both for myself and for others. When it happens together, it becomes an amazing experience that energizes me and gets me through the times when it appears nothing much happens. The operative word is “appears”.

I have learned that my willingness to help, by just showing up and providing the offer of a shoulder, a hand or an ear does something not immediately recognizable outside of my own feeling of usefulness- it creates a grounding for me, much like it does with electricity- it keeps me connected. Sure, there’s a worry that someone will not understand my motives or feel uncomfortable accepting, but that’s not the point. The point is that I do this just as much for me as for them. It’s practice- practice in moving beyond my fears of rejection and hurt to do good simply because I think it’s good. Just because that’s the person I want to be- and even am, sometimes…. Just because offering help is an offer of self.

And really, what could that hurt?

Many of you know the story- the towns of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed for their wickedness (Genesis 19.24-25). The most titillating offense- and therefore, probably the most memorable one, was sexual promiscuity, including, but not exclusively, the homosexual type.

For centuries, the word sodomy was used to denote sinful sexual acts and came to specifically reference homosexuality- especially in the 19th century. However, many Christian and Jewish biblical scholars have said (often to deaf ears) that this is not the Great Sin of Sodom. The ears stayed deaf. Even the Prophet Ezekiel was not to be heeded when it came to the subject. He said the great sin of Sodom wasn’t the promiscuity, it was that the citizens were “arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.” (Ezekiel 16.49). In other words- they were narcissistic assholes.

Nikolas Kristoff has an excellent Op-Ed in the NYTimes today talking about the ways in which the understanding of the Sins of Sodom are changing- even (gasp) among evangelicals.

Worth a read.

Oh, and the next time you hear or read the words sodomy or sodomite, just think “asshole”….

Related articles

• http://menachemkuchar.com/Writings/145.htm

All right, I caved.

I’m writing from the Calgary kitchen of Nicole Pomeroy, Princess Extraordinaire and Friend of my Heart.
She’s still sleeping.

I had to write, because we were up till well after 3 catching up and I feel so excellent this morning (okay, I have a headache, but how could I NOT have a couple of Tangueray and Tonics- I’m on vacation). I feel excellent, because I spent last night talking to someone who gets me- and vice-versa- in a way nobody else does. We laughed and cried and talked and smiled and just basked in each other’s presence. No way I’m letting another year and a half pass before we see each other again.

I’m writing, because Nicole is important on a number of levels, but I think the most significant for me is this: despite all the shit I’ve been through and put people through, she never wavered. She always believed in me- when other friends didn’t, even when I couldn’t or wouldn’t believe in my self.  She showed me that it was not only possible to do so- even in the midst of excruciating emotional and physical pain , it was vitally important. She was the rock I tied my lifeline to- and last night I was reminded why.

Because I would do exactly the same thing for her.
And we both know that.

THE big fundraiser of the year for AIDS Outreach is a Mardi Gras Party Tuesday, February 16th with jazz, desserts and silent auction at The Nova Cafe, 312 E Main St, Bozeman. Delicious desserts donated by pastry artisans throughout Bozeman  will be well worth the suggested $3.00 admission donation. The swag includes original art (paintings, pottery, jewelry), merchandise donated by area businesses including Erotique, The Daily, 2 VIP Tickets to The Rail Jam, Spa Treatments, and many other items too numerous to mention….

I want to strongly encourage all my friends to come down, or, if you can’t attend, donate here.

We’re just starting out, and we could really use any help we can get in providing services for persons with HIV, community education, HIV testing and an HIV+ support group (which I facilitate).

Thanks in advance,

~G