Tag Archives: gay

8 Tips To Lower Holiday Stress

by D Gregory Smith

I wrote this a few years ago- but I think it’s still good information- so I revised a few things and thought I’d offer it again (Also published on The Bilerico Project)

Feeling stressed and/or depressed lately? You’re not alone. The Holiday Season is reported to be “problematic” for about forty-five percent of the general population, and there may be added concerns for LGBTIQ persons.

A Christmas tree inside a home.

There is often so much pressure to be joyous and to share “the most wonderful time of the year”. It can be especially hard for those of us who feel wounded by the various Ghosts of Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa Past. Family and work dynamics can be hard at the best of times, during the holiday season it can reach a torturous crescendo:

“I can’t stand so-and-so, and they’re going to be at Grandma’s for dinner.”

“I do not want to go to Midnight Mass with the family, but I’m more upset by the thought of dealing with the fallout of not going.”

“I just know that Bible-thumper at work thinks I’m going to hell. The office party is always a nightmare.”

“I’m going to have to fend off all the questions of why I’m not married.”

“If they knew the truth, I’d be fired (disowned, disgraced, etc.).”

“I don’t have enough money for gifts. Shopping is so much pressure. I feel inadequate compared to….”

“I’m bringing my partner, and this is the first time. I’m worried that they’ll say or do hurtful things.”

Yep. All familiar. But there are some things to keep in mind when dealing with the stresses of the Holiday Season….

First, remember, you’re not alone.

“Forced fun” with co-workers, family and extended circles of families and friends happens to everybody. Many people, straight, gay and otherwise feel that they aren’t part of the celebration because they don’t feel particularly festive or “in the Christmas spirit”. The pressure to have fun, be nice and ignore grudges and difficulties can result in the completely opposite effect.

Not out to family, co-workers or friends? This can dramatically increase holiday stress. Maintaining a front and keeping secrets is hard- especially at a time of year that focuses on kindness and generosity. Constantly protecting yourself can be exhausting. Constantly worrying about safety, acceptance, integrity and livelihood is excruciating- especially at a holiday party.

It can be even worse if you’ve been rejected by your family or friends because of your sexuality or gender identity.

For many of us, our day-to-day lives are lived with people who care for and support us emotionally. We’ve created our own families. We’ve created routines that encourage and nurture us. We’ve developed our own beliefs

The holidays can totally upset that.

Even the mentally healthiest among us can be challenged by relatives and parents, regardless of acceptance or support. Ram Dass once said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your parents.”

And even if we are out, during the holidays we’re often surrounded by people who may be biologically related or who share the same work, but who do not support us, or who are even openly hostile. Whether this is true or simply a suspicion or feeling, it still causes anxiety, which in turn causes increased stress levels- often leading to some very depressing thoughts. A very slippery slope mentally….

What to do? If your particular situation seems to be causing problematic stress or depression, please seek out professional help. But for those relatively-minor-once-a-year issues, below are a few suggestions I have found helpful.  Please feel free to add your own:

  • Be aware of your anxiety. Notice when your tension levels are rising, and let yourself feel them. Feelings never hurt anybody- the actions resulting from those feelings are the real kicker, and quite often those actions happen because feelings are so bottled up that the pressure forces an explosion. Often, simply noticing and naming the anxiety can calm it.
  • Breathe. Under stress, the breath is often shallow, keeping oxygen levels at a minimum which just adds more stress. As simple as it sounds, three deep, conscious breaths can bring instant relief, slowing the heart rate, reducing hypertension- and anxiety levels.
  • “Is that true?” That question has been my lifesaver in many situations. My brain can run amok with fantasies of what people will say or do in response to me- things that I can’t possibly know for certain. Anxiety levels rise in the face of uncertainty. This simple question slows my thoughts and brings me back to the facts.
  • Be here now. Most stress involves either the past or the future- both are perspective distortion agents. Staying in the here and now reduces stress.
  • Resist the urge to self-medicate. Most people eat and drink more and exercise less than they normally would at this time of year.  If you’re prone to depression already, (and even if you’re not) a hangover and love handles won’t help. Plus, alcohol, a depressant, may seem to help for a while, but usually worsens depression and stress symptoms later on. It also reduces inhibitions, making hurt feelings, disagreements and fights much more likely.
  • Give yourself an out. If you have to spend an extended amount of time with family, work some down time into the schedule. Removing yourself from the situation can be vital, and it can be done gracefully. “I just need some alone time” is something that almost anyone will respect. There are lots of reasons to be alone- get creative. A short walk, a hot shower, a nap, an AA meeting, or even extended time behind the locked door of a bathroom can do amazing things to renew self-confidence, perspective and energy.
  • Remember, this is temporary. Most of us can survive anything for a few days. If you’re in a situation that you feel you may not be able to handle well, by all means, get out! But if staying will do less damage to yourself and others than leaving, remembering the finite nature of the visit may help.
  • Take care of yourself. You know what you need to do to be healthy. Eat well, exercise, hydrate, rest, play and give yourself permission to be human.

No matter what the situation, my greatest stressor is this:

Worrying about something I have little or no control over.

Recognizing that is key.

People are going to think what they think, and my thoughts or actions will probably not change that- especially in the short amount of time I have to spend with them during the holiday season. Whether they approve of me or not is none of my business. My business is to be happy, honest, kind, and healthy.

And I can do it. I do it by knowing myself and taking care of myself- even under the pressure of Midnight Mass.

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The “Right” Responds To MT ACLU Lawsuit

by D Gregory Smith

The mouthpiece of Denny Rehberg, Steve Daines and Corey Stapleton, Treasure State Politics, has reacted to the ACLU appeal for same sex domestic partnerships- and, as expected, it ain’t pretty.

In fact, it’s disgusting. Excerpt:

If the ACLU wins the suit, the legislature will be forced to create a law that ensures gay and lesbian couples are given the same rights as traditional couples. This potentially means a civil union, but to be truly treated the same they would have to be recognized as married individuals, clearly not what the people of Montana decided.

Moreover it opens the legal precedent to further compromise the sanctity of marriage in Montana. If being treated the same under the law means we must recognize gay and lesbian couples, we also must recognize polygamist marriages. If a church is willing to marry traditional couples in Montana, it could be required to marry gay and lesbian couples. But these are reasons Montanans already settled this issue in 2004.

Every Montanan has the same rights, as the constitution requires. I have the right to marry a member of the opposite sex, just as these couples do; and I have the right to be in a relationship, but not to marry, someone of the same sex, just as these couples do. There is no violation of equal treatment under the law. (emphases mine)

Gay and lesbian couples are openly- brazenly- derided as undeserving of equal rights and compared to polygamists. This is an ignorant, ridiculous piece, obviously written from a bigoted and fearful perspective. The writer  has inflamed the fears and prejudice existing in good people who may not know better- or who are entrenched in their fundamentalist beliefs.

That’s not only irresponsible, it’s despicable.

I am no threat to anyone’s marriage. My desire to commit to my partner for life is being dismissed as fundamentally invalid by people who have no possible right or understanding of my life, my biology, my spirituality, my thoughts and my emotions.

Moreover, they don’t want to even try.

They just want to frighten- and keep us unmarried, unrecognized, marginalized, sleazy and freakish in the minds of their constituents.

It’s at the root of all the anti-gay bigotry in the state. A spade is a spade.

I just wish they had the balls to admit it.

 

 

WSJ Profiles Dramatic Increase In Montana Same-Sex Couples

by D Gregory Smith

The Wall Street Journal profiles the statistical rise of same-sex couples in the United States- especially outside of the LGBT mainstream cities like New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington DC. This increase in same-sex couples is happening  extremely quickly in rural places- including Montana:

The Census Bureau doesn’t ask people about their sexual orientation. But since 1990, respondents have had the option to identify themselves as living with a same-sex partner. This group grew by half nationwide between 2000 and 2010, figures released this week show….The number of self-identified gay couples rose by nearly 90% in Montana, Nevada and West Virginia, for instance, while California, New York and Washington, D.C., saw increases of 40% or less, according to Mr. Gates’s analysis of the data. (emphasis mine)

Yep, looks like we’re here to stay. And there are increasingly more of us- probably due to more of us coming out earlier and feeling less threatened in our hometowns. All good news.

Polls suggest wider acceptance of gays nationwide. About 46% of people oppose gay marriage today, for instance, down from 65% in 1996, according to the Pew Research Center.

Montana native Ken Spencer, 46 years old, said he has seen the shift firsthand. Growing up, he said, he believed that “if you were gay, you had to leave Montana.” He kept his homosexuality a secret for years.

But gay people have become more visible in the state, with this year’s Montana Pride celebration in Bozeman drawing about 2,000 people, up from a few hundred in 2002.

Mr. Spencer said he identified himself as living with his same-sex partner for the first time in 2010. (My emphasis)

Yep, that’s my guy….

Ken and I made a conscious decision to stay in Montana and work for awareness and equality, just as many of you have chosen to do. We were born here, we like it here and we’re not going to be driven out by ignorance and fear. And neither should anyone else.

And, with these statistics, it’s looking like we’re all doing a fairly good job….

Closeted At Work? It could hurt company performance…

by D Gregory Smith

LGBT people work everywhere. But we’re not always welcome to be ourselves at work. In fact, it’s sometimes downright discouraged and even could be grounds for termination in some states. Well here’s something for intolerant employers: A new study suggests that coming out at work could enhance job performance for co-workers of the uncloseted- and therefore the company.

Supporters of policies that force gay and lesbian individuals to conceal their sexual orientation in the workplace argue that working with openly gay individuals undermines performance. We examine this claim in two studies and find the opposite effect. Specifically, participants working with openly gay partners performed better on a cognitive task (i.e., a math test) and a sensory-motor task (i.e., a Wii shooting game) than individuals left to wonder about the sexual orientation of their partners. These results suggest that policies, such as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” that introduce uncertainty into social interactions harm rather than protect performance. (emphasis mine) 

 

 

We’ve always known that being trapped in the closet can be harmful to the self-esteem and self-worth of a person. It turns out that maintaining integrity in your personal life is also good for your working life. Makes sense to me. Ask anyone who has to remain closeted at work how hard it is to self-monitor at that level for 8-10 hours a day. Excruciating. And if you’re in the military, or member of an institution that actively frowns on The Gay- well, it’s even more terrible. Pretty much 24-hour-a-day anxiety and fear.

 

Living a life of integrity in the workplace was a dream of mine ever since I came out. I vowed I wouldn’t have to go back in- ever. But I’ve been more fortunate than some. Economic concerns about losing jobs can make this situation even more painful- there just aren’t a lot of choices for employers right now- especially in rural areas.

 

But maybe CEO’s who want to improve the job performance of their companies will see this and create more integrity-supportive personnel policies. It just makes sense.

 

And cents. And we all know that money talks. Especially today.

 

So feel free to put this post up in your break room….

Bozeman PFLAG

by D Gregory Smith

Last night I told my story to a lovely group of people at the Bozeman PFLAG meeting- and it occurred to me that maybe more people need to know about PFLAG and what they do.

From their website:

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is a national non-profit organization with over 200,000 members and supporters and over 350 affiliates in the United States. This vast grassroots network is cultivated, resourced and serviced by the PFLAG National Office, located in Washington, D.C., the national Board of Directors and 13 Regional Directors.

A great group of people invested in LGBT equality. And they’re special because they represent the best of our allies- our parents, neighbors, siblings and friends- as well as LGBT persons.

Equality will only happen when the majority of Americans- who are not gay- realize and accept the ordinary reality of LGBT persons and their human desires for a beautiful life.

Bozeman’s group is fantastic- and they could use any extra support and encouragement you might be willing to give. Thank you all for a great evening!

Go ahead and look them up. Their Facebook page is here.

Disturbed? Run For Office!

by D Gregory Smith

A friend recently drew my attention to some of the similarities between the recently announced KKK GOP Congressional candidate in Montana and some of the extremist members of the Republican Party in the Montana Legislature. I thought I’d share a few with you. So, just to catch you up:

John Abarr, a former organizer for the KKK, filed to run in the Republican primary for Montana’s congressional seat on May 25, 2011. (More info here: http://helenair.com/news/article_613dd194-8cdc-11e0-9dfc-001cc4c002e0.html)

Abarr’s ties to the KKK have been well documented. Of his affiliation with the Klan, he has said:

“It’s not any different than the NAACP,” he says. “The Klan is basically a civil rights organization that stands up for the rights of white people. The Montana Human Rights Network likes to blow everything out of proportion.”

Gotta love the logic. Republicans, such as gubernatorial candidate Rick Hill have tried to distance themselves from this guy.  However, after this legislative session in Montana, it’s hard to deny the fact that he is well within the extremist wing of the Republican party.

LGBT Issues

Abarr has also called for the deportation of gays, lesbians and Jewish people: http://missoulanews.bigskypress.com/missoula/etc/Content?oid=1133942 And, as I’ve reported numerous times, the Montana Republican Party Platform calls for the re-criminalization of gay people in the state:

“We support the clear will of the people of Montana expressed by legislation to keep homosexual acts illegal.”

During the Legislative session, Republicans refused to remove language that had been ruled unconstitutional by both the state and federal supreme courts calling for the criminalization of gays and lesbians from Montana law. And they made  disgusting comments on the bill :

 Some Republicans even denied that the courts had struck down the statute. 

HIV/AIDS

According to the Human Rights Network, Abarr sent a flier to the Bozeman Daily Chronicle in 2007, urging Bozeman residents to stay inside to avoid contracting HIV during the Montana Pride Celebration. He claimed that HIV could be transmitted by air. 

During the most recent legislative session, Republican House Speaker Pro Tempe, Rep. Janna Taylor claimed people in prison were spreading HIV by blowdarts: http://www.youtube.com/watchv=igYKflAdzjo&feature=channel_video_title

Racial Minorities

Abarr said of his choice to move to Montana:

“I’ve pretty much decided since I spent some time in California that it (a pure white Christian nation) is just not gonna be. I mean there’s so many of them (racial minorities),” Abarr says, adding that in Montana it’s easier to achieve an all-white society.”

Republican Rep. James Knox introduced a bill that would redefine what a citizen of Montana is and essentially ignore the 14th Amendment to the US Constitution. This bill would have likely removed citizenship from Native Americans and the children of immigrants in the state.

Convinced? I’ll bet there’s more if you look.

The key to redefining politics in this state is to redefine politicians. We effectively tied the hands of the most effective tool (building relationships) by enacting term limits. There is no longer any reason for any of our state legislators to cultivate relationships for the good of the people of the State of Montana- instead, people are just interested in ramming their own crazy-ass agendas through the legislative process.

Reason will only prevail when we elect reasonable people- people who are interested in communicating, are not threatened by differences and will work to guarantee a future in this state for all its people- not just a few…

Caleb Laieski: Teen Advocate

by D Gregory Smith

You may have heard of the 16 year-old student who is fighting to protect other students, after he himself was forced to drop out of high school because of bullying and threats of violence.

Photo courtesy of Brody Levesque

Caleb Laieski, 16, of Surprise, Arizona, started his anti-bullying activism when he was forced to drop out of school when teachers and administration wouldn’t protect him from bullying and threats- even after repeated incidents had occurred. He was being threatened with violence and death threats because he happened to be gay.

Laieski, who has since received his GED, brought the fight to his school district starting with a legal notification that he would bring suit to protect himself and others in the same situation. After the school district agreed to change its policies, he sent a similar notice to every other school district in Arizona, and then went to the Arizona Legislature to fight for laws to protect all students.

He was invited to the White House’s first ever, Conference on Bullying Prevention and is now advocating for the Student Non-Discrimination Act, in Congress and is currently in D.C. “for those who are afraid to speak up.”

Laieski says the bill would “include sexual orientation and gender indentify into the current federal law under education, guaranteeing all students a safe place.” Laieski also pointed out that “when some have opposition to these categories being protected, we must get past that and realize that it’s about giving ever student the right to his/her education a safe place to learn.”

Caleb successfully met with over 30 Congressional Representatives in his first week in D.C., and plans to keep the pace for the remainder of his time in our nation’s capital.

Brave kid.
You’ll get to meet him this week on Same Sex Sunday– I interviewed him today.

What’s Gay About The News

by D Gregory Smith

A couple of things.

On the one hand, Don Lemon, CNN weekend anchor and brave human being, has come out as a gay man.
Entertainment Weekly:

CNN’s weekend anchor Don Lemon reveals that he is gay in his new memoir, Transparent. “I abhor hypocrisy,” Lemon told theNew York Times. “I think if you’re going to be in the business of news, and telling people the truth, of trying to shed light in dark places, then you’ve got to be honest. You’ve got to have the same rules for yourself as you do for everyone else.”

Lemon admitted he is scared by peoples’ reaction, but that CNN has assured him of their support. “I think it would be great if everybody could be out,” he said to the paper. “But it’s such a personal choice. People have to do it at their own speed. I respect that. I do have to say that the more people who come out, the better it is for everyone, certainly for the Tyler Clementis of the world.”

Like I said, brave. Lemon, also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, will no doubt become a more active voice in the LGBT community- as well as a sign to other human beings that being gay is not an obstacle- and that we have nothing to fear from the truth of who we are.

Next comes a poll from Fox News affiliate WACH in South Carolina. The poll, which attempts to gauge the pulse of its readers on the topic of the Presbyterian Church’s inclusion of openly gay clergy is clearly Fair and Balanced:

Oh, Lord.

“Sins, sinners, sinfulness- love the sinner, hate the sin”- the patronizing terms many evangelical/fundamentalist christians use to describe people they hate, is just one of the ignorant ways that keep them from facing the reality of human sexuality.

And Fox News seems to be contributing to that ignorance.

Again.

But the commenters are taking them to task. Which I love. Go ahead and read the story and comment. It’s getting interesting.

Canyonwalker Stands Up- Again

by D Gregory Smith

I love it when people choose compassion and understanding over rules and selective interpretation of scripture.

Ignorance in action

“On Scott Lively of “Kill the Gays Bill” (In)Fame.” More Christian anti-gay Propaganda debunked by my friend and straight Christian ally Kathy Baldock.

Have a look around her site- it’s heartening stuff.

SameSexSunday

by D Gregory Smith

LGBT COMMUNITY EMBRACES NEW WEEKLY POLITICS PANEL

“SAMESEXSUNDAY” REACHES 5000 iTUNES SUBSCRIBERS AFTER 25 SHOWS

“This is just the beginning,” promise hosts and producers

Washington DC, November 21, 2010- In a growing climate of concern about the future of lesbian, gay, bisexual & transgender (LGBT) community media, SameSexSunday is an engaging, smart and insightful public affairs round table now attracting 5000 iTunes subscriber hits a month.  Modeled after the Sunday morning politics talk shows, SameSexSunday, offers a diverse, lively and topical discussion of the week’s event in the LGBT on a wide array of political, cultural and community topics.  

Partnering with Bilerico Project, the web’s largest queer political group blog, Phil Reese and Joe Mirabella launched the show in Spring of 2010 to an audience eager for serious political discussion, covering strategy, politics, policy, legislation and litigation with some of the brightest minds and provocative personalities in the LGBT and ally community.  By July, iTunes had already selected SameSexSunday as one of its “New and Noteworthy” podcast picks.

“Same Sex Sunday is one of the most thoughtful and relevant broadcast spaces on the Internet for discussion of LGBT issues,” says LGBT movement leader and media strategist, Cathy Renna. “Simply put, it is our community’s version of “Meet the Press” Renna is a Managing Partner of the LGBT focused communications firm Renna Communications and longtime media activist and a guest on the new round table regularly, joining dozens of leaders, movers and shakers from the LGBT equality movement.

In its first 25 episodes, the panel has attracted the a wide array of  political strategists and leaders from inside and outside of the LGBT equality movement; from Diego Sanchez, Steve Ralls, Rea Carey, Karl Frisch, Michael Crawford, Rick Jacobs and Chris Barron to Michael J Wilson, Jarrod Chlapowski, JD Smith, Meghan Stabler, Casey Pick and R. Clarke Cooper.  Even California Senator Roy Ashburn joined the discussion this summer.

Regular SameSexSunday law expert and journalist, Chris Geidner, describes the show as “a great opportunity to hear the people who are reporting on and working toward LGBT equality every day talking about topics that matter to LGBT people. There is no other place to hear so many informed people talking about so many LGBT issues each weekend.”

“We want listeners to get an inside look at the latest news and issues facing the LGBT community, and what’s on the horizon for the LGBT movement,” says show co-host, Phil Reese, who records from Champaign, IL with panelists from the across the country. “We offer dynamic panels that take seriously both the right and left side of the political spectrum.”

Hundreds of listeners every week are discovering the most insightful LGBT public affairs show and clicking “subscribe.”  Since June of 2010, the show has been downloaded nearly 20,000 times.  With 1500 Facebook fans, it’s no wonder SameSexSunday is growing so fast.

Bil Browning, founder and Editor-In-Chief of Bilerico Project, is very proud of SameSexSunday’s success. “While the conversation can get heated as panelists debate today’s hottest LGBT issues, the quality of the program is consistently excellent. You can get a good idea of what’s coming up in LGBT politics and issues by listening to the show. SameSexSunday’s expert guests are the same people deciding the focus of advocacy and reporting for the queer community.” Leaders know SameSexSunday doesn’t just keep pace with the LGBT news cycle, but sets it. “This isn’t your typical shout-fest of talking heads. This is intelligent conversation for the modern queer.”

SameSexSudnay was launched in 2010 as the web’s only weekly LGBT public affairs and politics round table discussion.  LGBT leaders, strategists and movement icons from around America gather every Sunday to discuss litigation, litigation, policy and strategy.